Preface: When I was grieving, deeply wounded by the lifetime ahead of separation from my children, words like this stung. Like salt in a cut, or smoke in the eyes, those who were
happy made me feel all the worse. (That was wrong. I knew it was, but there it was. I couldn't help but feel like God had singled me out for pain.) So I write this with a prayer, that if you are the one in the darkness right now, you can either turn away now, and come back when things are better, or read on, knowing that God has brought healing where once there was nothing, nothing but ugly, nasty pain and sin, all mixed up. And (please here this!) things are far from perfect now. But I
have to praise God....literally there are times I feel ready to burst if I don't tell someone what the Lord has done for me!!
Come and Listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me!
~Psalm 66:16
Praise our God, O people,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you have brought us to
a place of abundance.
~Psalm 66:8-12
The last 4 years of my life are a blur...and not in a good way. In just the last few months, like awakening from a terrible dream, the reality that God is still at work in my life has given me hope. Hope for life, here and now. In the midst of that pain, all that I could think about was heaven. And that was a good thing. But sometimes to the point where I didn't want to live here on earth anymore, it was just too hard. It hurt too bad.
I believed in God's sovereignty. That means that He's in control. Everything that touches me has been filtered through His will. And yet, deep down in the humanness and sinfulness of my heart, I want God to be the good genie in the bottle, the magic potion that makes my life perfect. The one who shields me from hurt and pain. I'm not asking for much, I would think petulantly. I don't need a bigger house or a nicer car, I just want my babies.
It hurts so deep....when He puts these burdens on us , leads us through the valley of death, choses this terrible and miserable road for us. My grieving was about losing my children, yes, but also about how to love the God who had hurt me. Love matters. I can only worship what I love, and obey what I love.
While I struggled to love God, to trust him, there was a whisper from the Holy Spirit. I knew that He had me. He wasn't going to let go. He was preserving my life, and somewhere deep down, I knew it and loved Him for it.
But I lived in fear. Constant fear, really, of the next bad thing God had lined up for me. A year ago, on our 10 year anniversary trip, Mr. Wonderful and I had a conversation. James was about 15 weeks along, and I was holding my breath for that anticipated 18 week ultrasound. Surely the doctors would be able to fix it, if they found anything wrong, I thought. These were the
specialists! Mr. W gently reminded me that God had not promised us anything. He had given us this little one for a while, how long was completely up to Him.
I don't know for sure where I would be if James had been called to heaven with our other babies. But I do know, that while he has been a balm to my lonely heart, James isn't the source of healing. Neither is the passing of time, as so many well-meaning people say. God is.
What blows me away about this season in my life is how rich it feels. This healing, this restoration, is beyond what I had hoped for, beyond what I had prayed for. He has truly been at work, and there is fruit. From HIS work.
He has brought me to a place of unexpected
abundance. Abundant love for Him, and eyes that can see His hand.
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Even the fruits of our meager garden efforts...
so many "little" things are truly remarkable gifts from Him. |
