Is grief a form of self-centeredness? I am really struggling with what many would call “depression” and I hate being like this. It seems so selfish—-after all, my Ellie is happy in heaven, right? So what’s wrong with me? It seems as though I can’t function at all, I have forgotten how to live—-how to do the basics of life. After two months since my girl went to heaven I am just trying to keep my head above water.
My head tells me that God is good, and that I have much to rejoice in…..but most days my emotions are on a completely different track. Thank the Lord that my feelings aren’t the barometer of His love and grace, which I know is sustaining me this far.
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A little of this, a little of that, and what makes up my daily thoughts and activities....
I am a woman who desires to love GOD above all, to serve and delight my husband, to cherish and train up my four boys, while adjusting (through God's grace) to life without our children, Ellie Rene and Benjamin Curt, who were taken to heaven in February 2008 and April 2010. We are now celebrating James, our sweet 7, born in March 2011. Praise God with us!
7 comments:
Just remember that grief is a natural process given to us by God to purge our hearts of the pain. It can be delayed, but I believe it can't be denied. You have to walk through it. Thank the Lord, He carries us through it. Sometimes the shortest distance back to the light, is to turn around and walk back through the dark, not away from it.
When I was grieving the losses of my babies, I always felt like I had to pass a spiritual test. I had to show everyone by my cheerfulness how good God was being to me. That was actually a form of pride. I needed to allow myself to be completely broken and rest in Him and quit trying to prove to the world that I was this amazing Christian woman who was going through this with such grace. It was a hard lesson to learn, but one I finally had to give into. It was OK to be sad, it was OK to cry, and it was OK to be weak. Jesus was perfect in my weakness.
I did need to fight bitterness and self-pity, but I fought it through resting in Him and worship, not from keeping myself from grief. And I got too tired from trying to stay above the grief. I finally had to ask others for help and prayer.
Loving you, praying for you, and so understanding the pain you are in right now! There is hope and joy ahead again!
Love,
Becky
I wish I had some words to offer you comfort. I am certain that loss of this magnitude can't be quickly dealt with on an emotional or spritual level.
I will pray that God's presence will be so very near as He shepherd's you through your grief.
Bless you, my dear.
I'm sure grief is not a form of self-centeredness...You are NOT selfish because you cry the loss of your little girl...God IS good, and takes care of your little one in Heaven, I believe that. But God gave you a mother's heart, and your heart has been so wounded ...As said in previous comments, you need time...Be kind and patient with yourself, don't try to be "strong"... I will pray for your family...
Grief has no defined time line.
Just keep fixing your eyes on God and take one step at a time. God won't let you down...and one day you'll wake up and realise you've have more good days than you've had bad days. It'll come upon you softly.
I am so sorry to read that you are still in such pain. You are not at all being selfish for grieving. Sometimes it takes longer than we expect.
I'm here from Red Hen Studios, and although I do not know your pain, I did loose my Mother suddenly, two years ago. I remember feeling the way you do right now... grief is self-centered, and you have every right to help yourself to as much as you need. I remember people promising me God would restore everything... and I said, well I can't see how he can ever restore the pickle he's got me into!
Two months is such a short short time. Don't expect so much of yourself, so soon. Your job is simply to grieve, accept those wonderful tokens of love from your boys, your flowers, and let God do the rest. He'll do the healing, and he'll restore things in a way you can not fathom. Somehow, he pulls this off with Amazing Grace.
Time is your friend.
I can't imagine how hard it must be. I will keep you in my prayers. It doesn't seem like the pain will ever totally go away, but Lord wiling it will fade with time...I think about my Justus dying and I can't imagine the pain ever being gone. But God is faithful not to give us more than we can bear. I FEEL that loosing my baby would be more than I can bear, but I just have to trust Him. I will pray. I hope this isn't more discouraging to you, I just want you to know that I'm praying for you.
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