For Real

We've waited, prayed, longed and dreamed of this time---

the realness of our baby boy.

His kicks are now *for sure*,

the boys are always talking of the day when they are numbered 4,

and baby names float across my mind. 

It is so sweet,   knowing this little one,

but loving hurts, too.

I want to protect myself,  but I can't hide

from the possibility {or is it probability?}

of pain and loss.

Everyday surrender of longings,

desires deeper than breathing,

the instincts of a millenia. 

Jesus,  save!

It's here,  the time is now.

and this is life,

for real.

Just hold on, baby.

Sweet News at 18 weeks

Last week,   we had our big 18-week diagnostic ultrasound. 

•  First,  heart beat.....check.   Praise the LORD!
•  Next,  beautiful profile!!!
• And,  it's a boy!!

Everything appears to be good so far!   We are on cloud 9!!!

The New Pet

Do I feel regret over the grimey fingers

or the dirt and the bug on the table?

No,  just that this is his new pet.  

Not a puppy,  kitten or bunny,

but a roly-poly bug.

156

glorious beats per minute!   I knew tears would come.....they are of joy and relief.   

I sure hope that I don't get this stressed out and worked up before every appointment.  
We only have 2 weeks until our diagnostic ultrasound with the high-risk Dr.  in the city.
Hold on,  little one!

Choose Life

During the last 4 weeks (since our baby's heartbeat was heard), to survive I have been focussing on the good--the gifts of God's grace in my life.   Everyday is a search for evidences of His faithfulness.   My natural mental and emotional state would be either to:
1.  obsess about the baby,  and what might be wrong,  and if we're missing anything....on and on.....
2.  shut down completely.

The daily needs of my family (you know--dinner and clean socks and all!) keep me from #2,  but only a diligent effort to seek God's presence in my day,   to pursue His beauty and intentionally open my eyes to His gifts has kept me from #1.

But this morning,   with my heart pounding in my ears,  I can't escape.  In just 2 hours,  I will know,  for today at least, if it's LIFE or Death.   It is so harsh,  so blunt, so either/or.   There is no middle ground.

Even here the Holy Spirit has something to remind me,  to teach me.   Everything in me loves LIFE,  and this little one,   and how I hate death.  I have tasted it,  and it is bitter.   I hate it.   How much more does God!   And how He want us to see that this is the reality of every single day.  We have the choice ( oh what a blessed choice as believers!) to walk in the Spirit,  sowing seeds of Life,  or to wallow in the ugliness that is our sinful nature. We delude ourselves  into thinking the little sins don't matter....

How I long to walk in the Life of Christ today! 
By His Spirit,  and His mercies,  which are new every morning.

Sweet 7 Update

How I am doing depends on which hour of which day you talk with me.   Most days,  I have a good stretch,  and then, a not so good time, too.  Some days are mostly good,   and very rarely (every few weeks or so!) I have a day that is all bad.   I am very thankful for this....not everyday is all bad.

Today I have been working with the boys and around the house,  finishing school and getting ready to (hopefully) go hunting this weekend.   As this afternoon wears on,  I am feeling the tensions increase,  since tomorrow is my 16 week check-up.  It's been 4 long weeks since I've heard Sweet 7's tiny heartbeat.

We last heard Benjamin's at our regular 15 week check-up.  3 weeks later,  there was none.   We have entered the window of loss for me,  and I am very frightened to walk into the Dr's office tomorrow.       Will I be broken,  or will this sweet baby live on, while we wait some more?

God's mercy is all we need.   Pray for it to pour down on us.

How old?

 Dear Nathan,   you are seven?  7?   (It almost hurts to write it.)    Because when I look into your eyes,  I still see my darling baby,   my bouncy toddler,   my always moving pre-schooler.   So who is this I see now?   You are always doing nice things for your little brother before he even asks,   giving me all the hugs and kisses I need,  helping Dad,  and of course,   tossing the football with your big brother.

You are learning so much,  and growing so fast.

You have changed in the last year,

and I delight in watching what God is doing in your heart.

Before we opened gifts,  Dad asked you what you wanted

to do for your birthday.

(He was thinking a bike ride,  or a trip to the park.)

You looked at me,  gave a slow smile,

and said,

"I want Mommy to have the baby."

That brought tears,  happy tears to my eyes.

"I wish I could safely have the baby tonight, too, dear!"

I replied.  "But it's just not the right time yet."

So we went out on the porch to open presents,

your second choice of activities for the evening.

So stay 7 for awhile now,  and enjoy your legos
for a good long time.  

Please?

Love,

Mom

Truth for Today

1. God is here, and will never leave {Matthew 28:20}
2. God is at work, and will be until it's done{Phillippians 1:6}
3. God is for me,  and He will win {Romans 8:31-32}
4. God has a plan,  and it is good {Psalm 33:11,  Romans 8:28}
5. God has loved,  so that I live {Lamentations 3:22}

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face!

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

Hear Our Prayers

(written back in August)
Tonight, over dinner at our favorite resturant (to celebrate!!)

we told the boys about the baby.

Nathan, who was sitting next to me, just beamed and gave me a huge hug and kiss.

Ian, who had to think for a minute, finally said: "A baby like Briscoe?" (his youngest cousin)

Then he decided to give me a kiss.

Braden was very serious and took it all in (Daddy talking about taking me and baby to different doctors hoping they will be able to find out what's wrong and help us.)

He didn't say much, and didn't even smile much. I know his heart is hurting.

But at bedtime, he prayed that God, if it's His will,

would give us this baby.

To let us hold this baby.

Amen.