Dr. Love

Our  doctor,

who was with us when Braden was born 

9 years ago,

then Nathan,

then Ian.

A perfect fit....laid back and relaxed

she understood me and my approach

(less is more!).

Then, in 2007,  another pregnancy.  YAY!

Everything cruising along just fine....

when,  at the routine 6-month appointment...

she couldn't find a heartbeat.

She sent me off for an ultrasound, 

hoping that the baby had just moved into a tricky place.

As I walked out of the examining room, she hugged me.

It was then I grasped what she was afraid of...

and I tasted fear and death.

That night,  Dr. Love delivered Ellie. 

Stillborn and perfect....

a girl....

and she wept.

Last winter,  

unsteady and afraid for our newest little one,

going to see her was tonic and balm.

She didn't make any promises,

but I was reassured anyway.

Until 18 weeks.

This time,  when the doppler couldn't find that steady rythm,

she bent down,   hugged me and cried.

So sorry,  so very sorry.

After many hours of waiting,

when I was finally delivering Benjamin,

she ran down the hallway to my room...

that is one of my sharpest memories of that hard time...

her footsteps coming fast.

My doctor was running:

for me,

for our baby, 

who was dead.

What kind a doctor does that?

I called her the day I found out about Sweet 7  { our James }.

She prayed with me, 

and every visit and phone conversation since

(and there have been alot!!)

has ended with her humble prayers

that God would give her, and the other dr.'s, wisdom,

and that He would spare this little life.

Every step of the way,  she has been loving and caring

and supportive.   She has been gracious and humble,

when we decided that we needed to see the high-risk doctors.

It was a emotional decision for me to have James in the city,

away from her.   

This photo was taken the day after we came home

from the hospital.

We went to see her, 

and introduce her to our very special son.

We thank God often for his kindness to us,

evidenced in a smalltown doctor,

who loves.

More about James

Monday was an amazing day....

we all were so excited as we left the big boys

with my mom.

We kept repeating to each other

that nothing was going to happen today. 

We were only going in for an ultrasound to check fluid levels

and an amnio to check to see if James' lungs were matured.

The drive to the city was a bit tense.   I was stressed and nervous

about the tests and the decisions that we would be facing.  

Mostly I just prayed that his lungs would be ready...

we didn't want to have to decide what to do if they weren't.

Decisions like that are really hard,  especially if you

don't fully understand the risks.

The ultrasound and amnio went well.

We walked to the hospital so I could be monitored,

hoping the amnio wouldn't put me into labor.

It didn't,  and while we waited,  the test results

came back.

James' lungs came in at 55.2.

Maturity is reached at 55...

he just squeeked by.

We talked with our big city doctor, Dr. K.

He left the decision totally up to us...

he could do the c-section that afternoon..

or wait a few days.

At that point,   I was estatic.

Who would want to wait

when within just hours

I could hold and see

my baby?

We called Mom,  and I talked with the boys.

Nathan whooped and holllered.

Braden cried...and I did, too.

God had his hand on us, and the on the Dr.'s that afternoon.

The c-section turned out to be complicated

in ways I still don't fully understand.

My body was not in the condition that anyone expected.

We praise God for his protection and provision

of wise and very competent doctors.

At 3:03 pm,   I saw my son.  

He was perfect.

After a few minutes,

Mr. Wonderful brought him over to me,

and even though the drugs have

 blurred many of my memories,

I will never forget pressing my lips to his sweet head.

James was here.  He was safe.

Praise God!!

Amazed

There are no words for this moment.

Still no words....

just wonder,  awe,  and thanksgiving for the

gracious mercies of God.

James Curt

2-21-2011

Born at 3:03 pm,  18.5 inches long,

5 lbs. 7.5 oz

Our Sweet 7 is here. 

At 35 weeks and 5 days...

healthy and thriving.

Our heart overflow with gratefulness

for all the prayers that have carried us here.

Thank YOU!



Nursery

The nursery is ready:

tiny sleepers and socks,

bears and blankets.

 Empty frames

waiting for his face,

his hands,  his feet.

Just...! 35 weeks

   Last night over dinner we were talking about the baby,  

and how we hope things will go next week.  

Braden became serious and said:  

 "It's weird how much things are different

once God has taken some things away.  

Because if God REALLY gives us this baby,  

after not giving us the others,  

it's just going to be.....just....just....!!!"

I can see him mentally searching for a word

big enough

and not coming up with it.....

and I smile, 

because I can't, either.

And it's true,  each of my boys has been rejoiced over

and cried and prayed over at their birth.

Each a milestone,  a marker of happiness

in my life.

But this...

just unbelievable. 

Good News!

The Dr's say the fluid levels have come up a few points,  and while we will still be watching closely,   I get to stay pregnant for another week!  Praising God for every good report!!

Thank you for all your prayers!  

A Picture and a Prayer

This morning was another *photo shoot*

of our Sweet 7.   The ultrasound nurse was so kind to pause

and let us just watch Baby for a minute....

we even saw his mouth moving,  his hands towards his face,

and his head turn a bit.  The big boys were with us, 

and they were so excited!

Nathan thought he saw Baby sucking his thumb?

Sweet 7 is right on track in all of his growth measurements,

and is continuing his pattern of vigorous activity!!

But the was a bit of scary news.   

The amniotic fluid has been borderline low

for 3 weeks now, 

 but today it is officially below the range of normal.   

I am not sure how concerned to be,

but there were words said

(like "increased risk of a cord accident")

that make my heart stop.

We're going back Monday for another peek....

please pray with us for protection and peace!

The Wait, 34 weeks

These little African violets starts have made their home

on my windowsill for over a year.

Adding new leaves regularly,  and generally looking good....

just no blooms.   Until now.  

 I am soaking them up,  enjoying every petal, 

every flamboyant shade of purple.  

And joy,  more buds appearing!

Everything worth having is also worth waiting for.

So much of our lives can be defined by the Wait, 

and what it is that we are waiting for. 

Right now,  it's not a surprise that I am on pins and needles waiting

for my little one to be in my arms,  safe and healthy.

But,  as I wait,  and as I pray,  and as I hope and long for mercy...

am I serving God with my whole heart?  

Am I doing what he wants me to do today??

I want to be someone who is useful while they wait!!

Fading Away

 I spent yesterday painting and playing and  all sorts of things....it was Braden's birthday (more about that later)  and by the 8 pm,   I was just done and heading to bed.   I cried,  feeling upset over everything....my boy turning 9,  not being able to get his birthday dinner of choice on the table,  a not-what-I-wanted haircut,  and that I didn't get a picture of my perfect 4 bloom amarylis.  

There is panic and so much fear in my heart right now....my emotions are beyond rollercoaster....should we call it a plane crash instead?  There is still a waiting,  a terrible feeling of waiting to love that I am so ready to be done with.   I want to give myself over to motherlove,   and stop hearing of all the maybes and what-ifs.   I am holding still and waiting for that movement,  that roll and tumble that tells me he's still here.

 I feel driven to work very very hard,  trying to finish things up before baby comes,  but then exhaustion makes all the emotions worse.    I cry again this morning,  sitting on my bed between piles of folded laundry,  my Bible open to John,  and my ears filled with the fighting and ugliness that always comes post-birthday party.  

I cannot do today alone.   As I head off to the grocery store,  and the hospital for another NST, 

along with every breath is a prayer for help,  for courage,  for strength.   

32

While the blog record shows that I am extremely preoccupied
withLittle Boy,  our Sweet 7, 

there has also been alot of other things going on. 

Mr. Wonderful has had very little real
(i.e. paying) work this month,

so we've been doing all kinds of things around the house, 

project that don't cost much,  just taking lots of time. 

Here Ian is helping with the window seat in the living room....

he has also been in on drywall work,  painting walls, 
and moving furniture.

Ian is growing up so fast,  and all the sudden
I realize he's not my baby anymore.

~~~

Now,  about the Little Boy!

I am 32 weeks today,  and we are facing some decisions.

Delivery will be via c-section and the

When,  Where and Who

still need to be determined.

Most of the Dr.s think we should go at 36 weeks....

that's only 28 days, baby!!

31 Weeks and Undeserving

So far, the non-stress tests

have shown us 

our little man is doing great!

~~~

After loss, twice through,

it is still hard to grasp that in a matter of weeks,

if God wills,

I will hold this little one in my arms.

In so many ways,  grief has become a part of who I am.

I am used to it,  as ridiculous as that sounds.

Now I almost can't even imagine the feeling

of holding him.

Will I fly apart with happiness?

~~~

I am so undeserving of this gift.

God is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger,

abounding in love.

Moving Ahead

It's time, 
whether my emotions are
ready or not,
to get ready for this baby. 
Today I am repainting the small room that's right off ours...
hoping and praying as I work.

It's where we welcomed Ian. 
A room with happy memories.
But the floors are too bright...
the walls dingy and full of nail holes. 
I'm hoping to have the nursery ready in 2 weeks....


Baby's Room~Before



Don't Miss It

I've been so convicted this year....

not to miss the Gift of Love.

I don't want to be indifferent to the One who came,

but to have my heart focussed on Him.

***

We are days away from the next best Christmas present ever....

a baby with a heartbeat at 28 weeks.

Then we start non-stress tests twice a week...

I really never thought we'd be here.

Thank you ever so much,

more than words can say,

for your prayers.

They mean life.

26 weeks and Rejoicing!

Ian took this picture of "the brothers"

while they were trumpeting with wrapping paper rolls.

This is the way it is around here....loud,  blurry,  but still Oh, so happy!

Baby Boy is doing great according to today's ultrasound,

and is up to 2 lbs. 5 oz.

After Ellie and Benjamin, 

this seems so big. 

It is huge.

25 Weeks

It has been perfectly beautiful winter weather here the past week.

There have been sledding parties,  snowball fights, 

and joyful preparations for Christmas.

Lots of hot cocoa,  stories read aloud, 

 and quiet reflections while the snow comes down.

*Baby is still doing well.   His kicks are the best part of my day.  Monday night I dreamed of him.

It was my first {good} dream----he was alive, smiling and needing a diaper change.  My dreams are always vivid,  and tend to affect my mornings...so many times I have to work hard at shaking off a nightmare.   But not yesterday.   I was on just so happy going through my day,   remembering that smile and smelly diaper. 

 *Last night we chose Baby's name.  We had't even talked about it that much,   but as we were falling asleep,   we just knew it was time.   The boys' had a mixed reaction this morning at breakfast.....turns out this little guy may have lots of middle names and nicknames!  

*There is still sadness.    Christmas is such a time of longing for me.   Longing for all that is not now,   and not here.    But the amazing thing is that God is helping me to work through the moments of sadness:  allowing them but then moving on.   Not dwelling or wallowing in the sadness.   

Is this contentment:  making peace with the grief?

*Winter is a time of challenge for me in mothering.   We are all feeling cooped up,  and nerves and tempers show.  I listen for the Lord in the noise and chaos,  but mostly I hear Him in the few minutes of stolen quiet and peace after the boys go to bed,  or before they wake up.    He is good to me because he is with me.

Thanksgiving

21 degrees.

Nothing to prove,

just because they can!

~

Life and breath,

movement and health,

warmth inside

and cheer beside.

Thankful

more than words

can say.

23 Weeks

You might have noticed by now,  that I'm nothing if not practical.

It's this,  plus the fact that I don't want to have to go through the 

frustration

and pain 

{again}

of returning things that I won't be able to use,

that has kept me from buying maternity clothes,  baby clothes,

decorating the nursery,  and even discussing names for our Sweet 7.

But,  this sweater is one exception.

It hangs on my bedroom door,  right across from the bed.

The last thing I see before I shut off the light,

 this little sweater that reminds me to hope.

To pray.   To never give up.  To love.

~

I wonder when I will be able to do all these things,

and if I will ever be able to do them?

For now, 

I guess the sweater will have to be enough.

22 Weeks

This past month,  while in the midst of wedding details and events,  hunting trips and fall preparations,  there has been the most precious,  reassuring little stirrings in my womb.    Every morning, I wake up,  with my hands on my belly,  and wait.   There!  Good morning, little boy.    Every night,   I wait until he moves and then whisper goodnight.    We are just two weeks from the time when we lost Ellie,  and everyday that this baby is alive is a miracle.   Not anything to be taken for granted,  or expected for tomorrow.   We wait,  we hope,  we pray,  and we love.  

For Real

We've waited, prayed, longed and dreamed of this time---

the realness of our baby boy.

His kicks are now *for sure*,

the boys are always talking of the day when they are numbered 4,

and baby names float across my mind. 

It is so sweet,   knowing this little one,

but loving hurts, too.

I want to protect myself,  but I can't hide

from the possibility {or is it probability?}

of pain and loss.

Everyday surrender of longings,

desires deeper than breathing,

the instincts of a millenia. 

Jesus,  save!

It's here,  the time is now.

and this is life,

for real.

Just hold on, baby.

Sweet News at 18 weeks

Last week,   we had our big 18-week diagnostic ultrasound. 

•  First,  heart beat.....check.   Praise the LORD!
•  Next,  beautiful profile!!!
• And,  it's a boy!!

Everything appears to be good so far!   We are on cloud 9!!!