Fading Away

 I spent yesterday painting and playing and  all sorts of things....it was Braden's birthday (more about that later)  and by the 8 pm,   I was just done and heading to bed.   I cried,  feeling upset over everything....my boy turning 9,  not being able to get his birthday dinner of choice on the table,  a not-what-I-wanted haircut,  and that I didn't get a picture of my perfect 4 bloom amarylis.  

There is panic and so much fear in my heart right now....my emotions are beyond rollercoaster....should we call it a plane crash instead?  There is still a waiting,  a terrible feeling of waiting to love that I am so ready to be done with.   I want to give myself over to motherlove,   and stop hearing of all the maybes and what-ifs.   I am holding still and waiting for that movement,  that roll and tumble that tells me he's still here.

 I feel driven to work very very hard,  trying to finish things up before baby comes,  but then exhaustion makes all the emotions worse.    I cry again this morning,  sitting on my bed between piles of folded laundry,  my Bible open to John,  and my ears filled with the fighting and ugliness that always comes post-birthday party.  

I cannot do today alone.   As I head off to the grocery store,  and the hospital for another NST, 

along with every breath is a prayer for help,  for courage,  for strength.