Living Through This.....

Last week, depression and other

side effects of this grief threatened to undo

so many good things in my life.

I was simply unable to do many of the tasks

that being a mom and wife brings,
things I love to do!
Routine housework has become a mountain to scale everyday,
our minimal homeschooling is now a chore,
and discipline and structure are very obviously missing
in our day and in my life.
So the question is----when is that OK,
and when is it time to just get tough,
and do what needs done?


This week I am trying to deal with this by setting a simple and small housework goal for everyday, and exercising everyday, and by reading to the kids everyday.
That's my minimum.....we'll see....

Vintage Treasure

Meet my new assistant....

an antique dressmakers adjustable form....She needs a name.....

While she keeps Grace company!

A Mighty Fortress is Our God

This morning, as I was getting in the shower before church,

these words came to my mind----

and my first thought was

"WHO says this?

I certainly am not willing to,

in this moment, let my "kindred" go---

maybe my own life, but not theirs. "

As I tried to remember the rest of the words

of this hymn of faith,
God ministered to my soul.

He is the one who said and DONE this---

he is the one who let His kindred go---

to the cross of immense suffering.

A mighty fortress is our God,

a bulwark never failing;

Our helper He, amid the flood

of mortal ills prevailing:

For still our ancient foe

doth seek to work us woe;

His craft and power are great,

and, armed with cruel hate,

On earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide,

our striving would be losing;

Were not the right Man on our side,

the Man of God’s own choosing:

Dost ask who that may be?

Christ Jesus, it is He;

Lord Sabaoth, His Name,

from age to age the same,

And He must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled,

should threaten to undo us,

We will not fear, for God hath willed

His truth to triumph through us:

The Prince of Darkness grim,

we tremble not for him;

his rage we can endure,

for lo, his doom is sure,

One little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers,

no thanks to them, abideth;

The Spirit and the gifts are ours

through Him Who with us sideth:

Let goods and kindred go,

this mortal life also;

The body they may kill:

God’s truth abideth still,

His kingdom is forever.

One Month

My life is in this weird place of time racing on without my consent.....

and yet, stagnant as though I am waiting for something.

from Molly Piper:

I will never get to take care of her--

change her diaper, feed her, feel the warmth of her.

Instead, my precious baby girl

is buried in a box under a bunch of dirt--

that's not what I wanted for her.

But I did want her to know the Lord Jesus,

so my deepest longing for her has already been known and fulfilled.

I just never would have chosen this for her,

but God did know better, to take her to be with him,

because I don't know if I could

have ever willingly surrendered her,

had she lived.

It amazes me more now that God willingly

sacrificed his Son.

And it also makes me hate sin more--

death came because of sin.

I would not be tasting this bitterness

if sin had not come.

This, and so much more,

rushes through my mind at this late hour,

when I should be sleeping,

but can't seem to stop. I am afraid to stop........

New Life

While out on an adventure with all my boys,

exploring our high desert wildlands,

I discovered beauty and life

in the most unexpected places.

With my camera aiming at the sky,

the sagebrush and even the ground,

I was reminded of God's faithfulness

yet again.

No matter what has happened in the past year,

or the past month or week,

there is a promise of new life this spring.

While it hurts that life goes on,

not stopping to mourn with me,

there's comfort in

His Mercies,

new every morning!

Beauty in Brokeness

The frantic pace at which I have been running,

came to a crashing halt this morning.

Concern over our nephew, still in his mothers womb.

The emotions that I have been avoiding

Poured over me.

A few hours later, relief.........

Little B is OK.

I find comfort in His arms,

knowing that in these moments

of absolute brokeness,

He is there.

And His love is all-encompassing,

breathtaking.

His brokeness.

His beauty.

Shadow of the Storm

Today I feel as though

it's catching me.
That huge storm cloud,
threatening to strike,
to blow, to downpour,

about to overtake me.
But maybe,
if I keep doing,
keep talking,

keep thinking
hard enough
about other things......
it will stay behind my back.
But the emotional thunder

is rumbling
in my ears.........

A Heart in Provence

Loveliness to be found here!

Timeline

They have been here for six months

New Toys

After a brief meltdown of grief

over the daughter

that will never play with these kitchen toys,

I realized how much my boys love to play kitchen,

and to help me cook.

And I was right---look at the concentration

as he perfects his techniques

(and all good chefs have drool

running out of their mouth as they cook---

anticipation is the best part, you know!)

Here is my little chef, with his new kitchen.

The Muslin

This is THE DRESS.....

take #2.

Minor adjustments on the bodice and neckline,

as well as the decision to place the skirt right at the waist,

instead of a drop waist.

Do you think we are brave enough to continue?

Day Five

Birthday Beater Eater

Day Four

Ian was being impossible today.

Impossible to capture without a blur.

Impossibly cute.

Spring Fever

The sun is shining today.....

the kitchen is lightening up......

to a pale shade of gray/green.

Good-bye, Brown, you've been lovely!

Homemaking Fun

Look what Kathy at

Pink Chalk Studio made!

(she includes a tutorial.)

I have to make some of these..........

imagine the possibilities!!!

Words of Wisdom

Stephanie reminds of the futility of the many things we chase----and I find my heart convicted. Right now I find myself chasing many things----in hopes of escape from the daily emotions that grieving brings. But peace is not found by anxious doing,

but in contentment being with the Lord.

Day 3

Going "green".

Might as well start early.

Day Two

........ too cool..........

Day One....

of "Ian Week" How he loves his sippy..........

How I love those pudgy fingers and double chin!

Spring???

Somedays (last week) it feels like spring....

today it doesn't!

Cold, dreary, overcast and gloomy.....

Perfect day for baking, cleaning, laundry, and maybe a *little* sewing......

The Best News

A answer to a prayer....

3+ years long......

prayed by so many......

J&T are expecting!

Breathless, Speechless, Thankful,

Rejoicing in God's Gift of Life......

His First Word is............

It blesses me

how freely the boys share their treats with Ian

(sometimes toys are more difficult!)

It also helps that Ian's first word is

Please!

( pronounced "weeze" )

Finding Rest

My soul finds rest
In God alone
He only is my salvation
My Rock, my Peace
My fortress strong
I will ever love and adore Him!

Great love of God
Jesus, His name
He only is my foundation
For on the cross
He bled and died
And He took my sorrows
forever!

For on the cross
He bled and died
And He took my sorrows
forever
And I will praise Him,
whatever!

Challenge

Remember this craziness?It gets worse.......

I'm attempting to do the impossible.....

without a pattern!

(p.s. the yellow plaid is my "muslin"

before the muslin.

Next try is with plain linen......

if we get that far......

I will slice into the exquiste blue floral linen!)

Keepsake

I love the sparrow----

My God is the God who cares for even them......

I love the pink, though I am usually not a "pink" person......

I love the vintage filigree locket...... from this ETSY seller
Perfect!

Though he slay me.......

........I will hope in him.

Job 13:15And shall I pray Thee change Thy will, my Father,
Until it be according unto mine?
But no, Lord, no; that never shall be, rather
I pray Thee blend my human will with Thine.

I pray Thee hush the hurrying, eager longing,
I pray Thee soothe the pangs of keen desire--
See in my quiet places, wishes thronging--
Forbid them, Lord; purge, though it be with fire.

And work in me to will and do Thy pleasure
Let all within me, peaceful, reconciled,
Tarry content my Well-Beloved's leisure,
At last, at last, even as a weaned child.

--Amy Carmichael

God's Graces: Sisters & Sunshine

~~~ sent to cheer our day~~~
Ian, sassy and silly, who is feeling better now~~~

Flowers arranged for Mommy~~~by Nathan

Windshields

~~Ellie's Flowers~~

This post from Nancy Wilson was just the visual encouragement I needed today.

"......you start to see all the negatives and none of the positives. Until the windshield gets cleared off, no one can hope to see what is really going on. Once the mud and filth is wiped away, you can see the sunshine, the grass, the blue sky again.
Many blessings. Too many to count."


Lord, keep my vision clear

from bitterness, anger and fear.

Sowing in Tears....

......we will reap in joy. My little Ian is sick,

very sick with a tummy bug, a ear infection/fever/

and teething violently---molars this time.

I inhale God's grace, His presence and His peace

as we live out today.

Memorial

special pink roses from Mr. Wonderful Today was Ellie's funeral,

held at the graveside,

just minutes from our home.

The chilly temperatures,

biting wind,

and freezing tears

were countered by the boys playing a rousing game

of "Freeze Tag"

in an unused part of the cememtery while we waited

to begin.

...we are sorrowful, yet always rejoicing........

Precious Conversations

Me to Mr. Wonderful: ".........so I'm going to call the Dr...........and maybe go in......"
Nathan, overhearing bits and pieces: "You should go....then maybe we'll hear baby go "thump-thump again."


Nathan, praying: "......and please bring baby back to Mommy's tummy...Amen. "


Nathan at bedtime: "I miss Ellie".
Me: "Yes, sweetie, we all do, but she's in heaven with Jesus now, and she's more happy than we can even know."
Nathan, without even a pause: "I wish I was in heaven, 'cause then I could help Jesus take care of her. Babies need lots of taking care of, you know."