Come and Listen

  Preface:   When I was grieving,  deeply wounded by the lifetime ahead of separation from my children,  words like this stung.  Like salt in a cut,  or smoke in the eyes,  those who were happy made me feel all the worse.  (That was wrong.   I knew it was,  but there it was.  I couldn't help but feel like God had singled me out for pain.)   So I write this with a prayer,  that if you are the one in the darkness right now,  you can either turn away now,  and come back when things are better,  or read on,  knowing that God has brought healing where once there was nothing,  nothing but ugly, nasty pain and sin,  all mixed up.  And (please here this!) things are far from perfect now.  But I have to praise God....literally there are times I feel ready to burst if I don't tell someone what the Lord has done for me!!

Come and Listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me!
~Psalm 66:16

Praise our God, O people,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you have brought us to
a place of abundance.
~Psalm 66:8-12

The last 4 years of my life are a blur...and not in a good way.   In just the last few months,  like awakening from a terrible dream,  the reality that God is still at work in my life has given me hope.   Hope for life,  here and now.  In the midst of that pain,  all that I could think about was heaven.   And that was a good thing.   But sometimes to the point where I didn't want to live here on earth anymore,  it was just too hard.  It hurt too bad.  

I believed in God's sovereignty.   That means that He's in control.   Everything that touches me has been filtered through His will.    And yet,  deep down in the humanness and sinfulness of my heart,   I want God to be the good genie in the bottle,  the magic potion that makes my life perfect.   The one who shields me from hurt and pain.   I'm not asking for much,  I would think petulantly.   I don't need a bigger house or a nicer car,  I just want my babies.

    It hurts so deep....when He puts these burdens on us ,  leads us through the valley of death, choses this terrible and miserable road for us.   My grieving was about losing my children, yes,  but also about how to love the God who had hurt me.   Love matters.   I can only worship what I love,  and obey what I love.  

While I struggled to love God,  to trust him,  there was a whisper from the Holy Spirit.   I knew that He had me.   He wasn't going to let go.  He was preserving my life,  and somewhere deep down,  I knew it and loved Him for it.  

But I lived in fear.  Constant fear,  really,  of the next bad thing God had lined up for me.  A year ago,  on our 10 year anniversary trip,  Mr. Wonderful and I had a conversation.   James was about 15 weeks along,  and I was holding my breath for that anticipated 18 week ultrasound.    Surely the doctors would be able to fix it, if they found anything wrong, I thought. These were the specialists!    Mr. W gently reminded me that God had not promised us anything.   He had given us this little one for a while,  how long was completely up to Him. 

I don't know for sure where I would be if James had been called to heaven with our other babies.   But I do know,  that while he has been a balm to my lonely heart,  James isn't the source of healing.  Neither is the passing of time,  as so many well-meaning people say.   God is. 

What blows me away about this season in my life is how rich it feels.  This healing,  this restoration,  is beyond what I had hoped for,  beyond what I had prayed for.   He has truly been at work,  and there is fruit.  From HIS work.

He has brought me to a place of unexpected abundance.   Abundant love for Him,  and eyes that can see His hand. 



Even the fruits of our meager garden efforts...
so many "little" things are truly remarkable gifts from Him.

  

Happy Birthday, Ellie!!

24 weeks with my little girl....such a short time,

but how she has changed my life!

It's like a little secret....I have a daughter!!

There have been comments and questions 

(even more now that we have James)

asking about "trying" for a girl.

Most the time I just smile and say...

"We'll see!"

but inside I have this little monologue:

"Hey, sweet girl....I miss you,

and apparently everyone else,  even perfect strangers

can see that there is something missing in our little family...

a bouncy little girl!"

Ellie would be three today!

There are still moments of profound sadness and longing over
my Ellie,

but lately,  mostly just anticipation.  

She is safe and secure,

it's just a matter of time

until we touch again.



The Same

Three years ago,    a special gift given in the moment I most needed it...walking into the hospital to be induced to deliver my child,  who had died in my womb.  It was the Word of God.   Portions of a certain Psalm were running through my mind on repeat,  and as we waited,  my husband read and read and read the laments and praises until he found it.
 The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made....
Psalm 145 has been my meditation,  a rock of comfort and uncomfortable truth since then.   Many times I've read it,  through tears and with clenched fists as I battled my emotions that wanted to despair.
He hears their cry and saves them...
My daughter, Ellie! 
God is loving towards all he has made...
When the next child also died,  my soul sighed,  resigned to grief and heaviness. 
The Lord upholds all those who fall....
Benjamin, my son!
Every day I will praise you....
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.



Now,  there is this amazing, unexpected, thrilling and mind-boggling turn of events:   a living child.  He breathes.   James!

O Lord, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.    Isaiah 25:1

How is it?   How can it be?  

The same God who takes away,  has now given?

And He's no less good when He takes,  then when He gives?

These verses were true 10 years ago when I first felt grief,

3 years ago when it's full weight fell upon me,   and even now...

He is unchangeable,  and His ways I cannot even begin to understand.

I stand, like Job, with my hand over my mouth,

and worship.   

Dr. Love

Our  doctor,

who was with us when Braden was born 

9 years ago,

then Nathan,

then Ian.

A perfect fit....laid back and relaxed

she understood me and my approach

(less is more!).

Then, in 2007,  another pregnancy.  YAY!

Everything cruising along just fine....

when,  at the routine 6-month appointment...

she couldn't find a heartbeat.

She sent me off for an ultrasound, 

hoping that the baby had just moved into a tricky place.

As I walked out of the examining room, she hugged me.

It was then I grasped what she was afraid of...

and I tasted fear and death.

That night,  Dr. Love delivered Ellie. 

Stillborn and perfect....

a girl....

and she wept.

Last winter,  

unsteady and afraid for our newest little one,

going to see her was tonic and balm.

She didn't make any promises,

but I was reassured anyway.

Until 18 weeks.

This time,  when the doppler couldn't find that steady rythm,

she bent down,   hugged me and cried.

So sorry,  so very sorry.

After many hours of waiting,

when I was finally delivering Benjamin,

she ran down the hallway to my room...

that is one of my sharpest memories of that hard time...

her footsteps coming fast.

My doctor was running:

for me,

for our baby, 

who was dead.

What kind a doctor does that?

I called her the day I found out about Sweet 7  { our James }.

She prayed with me, 

and every visit and phone conversation since

(and there have been alot!!)

has ended with her humble prayers

that God would give her, and the other dr.'s, wisdom,

and that He would spare this little life.

Every step of the way,  she has been loving and caring

and supportive.   She has been gracious and humble,

when we decided that we needed to see the high-risk doctors.

It was a emotional decision for me to have James in the city,

away from her.   

This photo was taken the day after we came home

from the hospital.

We went to see her, 

and introduce her to our very special son.

We thank God often for his kindness to us,

evidenced in a smalltown doctor,

who loves.

Remembering, with Joy

'Diane' Witch Hazel~~a special gift from last spring, in memory of Benjamin

 I savor my James with all my might,

fighting the fatigue of round the clock feedings

and stress of having a pre-term baby

with every single one of us

getting sick during his first week.

We are praying for James' immune system to fight this

so he doesn't have to go back to the hospital.

James and I keep mostly to the bedroom,

and the big boys haven't been able to hold him since Saturday.

It's been painful,  but a teaching and learning time

about the importance of sacrificing our own desires

(to love on James!)

for his good.

Things have been so crazy that I wasn't able

to post on Ellie's Heaven Day.

It hurt my heart,  but I rejoice in knowing

that she's not offended!

She is in heaven,  with her brothers,  and JESUS!

She doesn't need anything from me!

I do miss her, though.  

 I miss her twinkling eyes,

and the way her pudgy fingers

would be enthralled with her newest brother.

Happy Heaven Day, Ellie!

31 Weeks and Undeserving

So far, the non-stress tests

have shown us 

our little man is doing great!

~~~

After loss, twice through,

it is still hard to grasp that in a matter of weeks,

if God wills,

I will hold this little one in my arms.

In so many ways,  grief has become a part of who I am.

I am used to it,  as ridiculous as that sounds.

Now I almost can't even imagine the feeling

of holding him.

Will I fly apart with happiness?

~~~

I am so undeserving of this gift.

God is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger,

abounding in love.

Trust and Obey

Resurection Sunday, 2007
This morning's walk brought me the classic help from Proverbs 3:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your understanding.

A verse I've known all my life.
New meaning, now, that the path is so hard,
dark and steep.
The pain of the past
wants to keep me from hope for the future.
But, against the oceans of emotion,
I can trust.

I will trust.

Happy Birthday, Ellie

Are you 2 in heaven, the way I imagine you? Do you have your daddy's blue eyes? Your grandpa's curls?

Your roses are blooming, profuse color: fragrance and beauty.

Not a day goes by without my thoughts turning to you! Most often it's with wistful longing brought into submission to Peace when I contemplate your complete happiness, consider your fulfilled joy as you see and live in His presence.

I remind myself of life's moment....it's almost here, then, when I find the day has come to be with my Lord, and there experience what you have ahead of me. How I long for the day when my faith shall be made sight! Jesus, come quickly!!!

Ellie, we're going camping today. We'll hike and play and eat s'mores. You would have loved the extra big marshmallows I bought just for today. We all miss you, and say your name with a smile on our lips and a song in our hearts.

Broken

In our American church culture, this is a glamourized

word....

One song even says: sweetly broken.

The past 2 years and 2 months have been

full of breaking.....

and it's not pretty. It's not gentle.

Today my heart just hurts.

Tea?

One rainy afternoon this week,

while the youngest slept,

we had a tea party.
It's something I've wanted to do
with my daughter....
turns out it's fun with sons, too.

More about Benjamin

Benjamin weighed 5 ounces, and was 10 inches long, born at 9:22 pm on April 7th.

~

He is buried next to his big sister, Ellie Rene', and they will share a headstone.

(After all the hospital and dr. bills are paid.)

~

He is surrounded by the love of his family: a blanket knit by me and a burial casket built by Daddy.

~

He is named for my dad. Ellie's middle name is my mothers. I hate it that both of my parents namesakes are in heaven.

~

We miss him. Our grief over Ellie as a daughter was a loss of something unknown.....a daughter. But Benjamin....we know the joys that boys bring. The dirt, the mud, the wrestling! We miss seeing Ben's version of boyhood in our home!

Benjamin Curt

Grandpa and his boys......at the cemetary.Ian cries at being told to sit down,

and we have to laugh through our own tears.

Grandpa Curt,

my daddy,

Benjamin's namesake.

Benjamin's little feet, perfect to the toes, and smudgy.....

something to hold in my hands.

Man's Work

My husband is a worker.

This past week, in pain,

he jumped into a project

that he and our neighbor had wanted to do for years.
I watch from my lawn chair and take pictures:

a lump in my throat for the blessings....

miracles...

before me,

and those I will experience

later.

Promise

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

You have been a refuge for the poor,

a refuge for the needy in his distress,

a shelter from the storm

and a shade from the heat.

~

On this mountain the LORD Almighty

will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples,

a banquet of aged wine---

the best of meats and the finest of wines.

On this mountain he will destroy the shroud

that enfolds all peoples,

the sheet that covers all nations;

he will swallow up death forever.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces;

he will remove the disgrace of his people

from all the earth.

The LORD has spoken.
In that day they will say,

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him and he saved us.

This is the LORD, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Isaiah 25:1, 4, 6-9

God gave me this passage yesterday,

and I am grateful.

Suffering opens my eyes to the treasure of His promises.

If I hadn't known these tears, this death,

this passage wouldn't speak of untold miracles

yet to come.

Through the Valley

Somedays I just wake up feeling like crying, and by noon, know it would have been better off for me to have my weep before breakfast, instead of dragging it on through the day. Today my heart is just heavy. It has been two years to the day since we buried our little girl, and I still go by the cemetery and think, "It can't be!"

As always, I sit and stare at the screen, wondering how much, and what, and if, do I say anything at all?

These two years have been like twenty (I feel soooo old!) and yet, I can praise God for answering my prayers, for keeping my family whole while I was blinded by grief. I know that my boys bear the marks of this, too, but in a good way. Their faith and hope in God is so strong. Braden's first response when we told him of the new baby, was "If this baby dies, it will be OK, because Ellie had the best life ever. Just straight to God....none of this yucky stuff." If my eight year old can see that life on earth is not all there is, then this is only God! I have failed them often, often, often as a mother. From the start, I begged God to let me still be a good mom, since I can't afford to give up years of our children's lives! But these have been ugly years, when my selfishness and sinfulness have shown, a painful and humiliating process. My dear husband has borne the brunt of my ugliness, and yet continues to love and serve me in the strength of Christ. I am thankful for him and the way he has been a direct flow of God's love in tangible ways, while suffering himself.

I miss my little Ellie, I wish she was going to get to be a big sister this fall. But I am convinced, through this suffering more than ever, that heaven is just a breath away, and God's promises of rewards and restitution are more real to me than ever. There will be a time when ALL our tears are gone. Hard to fathom right now. But it's going to be good.

'Bleeding Heart' in the Spring

Two milestones were passed this weekend:

13 weeks along with Babycakes,

(that was when we lost our very first baby)

and two years since we said hello,

and goodbye

to Ellie Rene'.

These shoots are one of my favorite spring flowers;

'Bleeding Heart'.

Old-fashioned, romantic and just a bit dramatic.

Their lime green leaves, curled and feathery,

insist that spring is on it's way.

I am blessed by the new mercies of the Lord,

and His faithfulness through all my seasons!

At the End: 2009

This year has been unspeakable.

Blogging has been a struggle

as I sincerely could not find

the words to convey the

depth of my misery,

culminating in March.

But now, equally, the words are just as evasive, as I recount the healing that God has done in my heart over the last nine months. Day by day he has strengthened me, restored me.

Weeping in despair, anger, loneliness and depression has been replaced by singing, laughter, smiles, and

acceptance-with-joy.

God is good, and God is all there is.

Run with him in 2010!

Bubbling Over

I had to call my husband today,

just to tell him something he's already begun to suspect:

his wife is a human being again.

.

.

The grief of the last 16 months

left me wasted, completely drained.

My moods were erractic at best

and the littlest things, the normal difficulties of daily life,

would set me on a downward mental track

that I couldn't escape from.

My spiritual stamina and my emotional reserves

were hitting bottom nearly every day.

.

.

Others have said that this time would come:

that I would still cry and miss my Ellie,

but that the sting would be gone.

I had a hard time believing it.

.

.

But today, I am positively bouncing through my day:

Not that it's been a perfect day, either....

just the things that would have ruined me two months ago

are now just minor bumps.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with

love and compassion.

Psalm 103:2-4

Welcome Home!

Braden, looking like his dad more every day!
Nathan, lost his first two teeth in two days,
thanks to Uncle Dan!

A camera has found it's way into my hands again!

And wow, what dirty faces!

.

.

.

.

.

broken. completely crushed. wondering if I will ever be whole again.

.

.

.

I found those words, written just 4 months ago. It was one of the hardest days ever....compounded by the fear of never really being happy again. Would I ever feel like smiling again? Would I ever laugh without a hidden cry? Would I ever be here again, all of me, in today, with my husband and children? Would I ever escape the terrible mire of pain?

.

.

.

The good news is, yes. God has been healing me all along, I know. But his handiwork was most visible to me this past weekend. Our camping trip was muddy and soggy, it rained every day. A mess. But I was happy....

Happy Birthday

I can't let this day go by,

(in the flurry of pre-camping:

packing, cooking, cleaning and gardening,)

without mentioning my girl.

Ellie would have been one today. I miss her more than ever, but at least I can see through the tears, that heaven is just a breath away. It won't be long, and my tears will be gone. All will be right and I will see beauty; pain-free, and know

Jesus, my Lord and King.