Playing Trucks

Is James learning to share already??

Nope,  just showin' off.

Miracle Baby @ 1

The big boys *couldn't* wait to give James his gifts....a mini-football and a red bouncy ball.

   We had pancakes for breakfast,  but because James had been up quite a bit in the night,  he slept through breakfast.   So he had a rewarmed pancake with applesauce.For after dinner,  I made French Breakfast Puffs.   James thought the candle and "Happy Birthday" was great!   

in their eyes

Everyone mentions the family resemblance:

these boys belong together.

Come and Listen

  Preface:   When I was grieving,  deeply wounded by the lifetime ahead of separation from my children,  words like this stung.  Like salt in a cut,  or smoke in the eyes,  those who were happy made me feel all the worse.  (That was wrong.   I knew it was,  but there it was.  I couldn't help but feel like God had singled me out for pain.)   So I write this with a prayer,  that if you are the one in the darkness right now,  you can either turn away now,  and come back when things are better,  or read on,  knowing that God has brought healing where once there was nothing,  nothing but ugly, nasty pain and sin,  all mixed up.  And (please here this!) things are far from perfect now.  But I have to praise God....literally there are times I feel ready to burst if I don't tell someone what the Lord has done for me!!

Come and Listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me!
~Psalm 66:16

Praise our God, O people,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you have brought us to
a place of abundance.
~Psalm 66:8-12

The last 4 years of my life are a blur...and not in a good way.   In just the last few months,  like awakening from a terrible dream,  the reality that God is still at work in my life has given me hope.   Hope for life,  here and now.  In the midst of that pain,  all that I could think about was heaven.   And that was a good thing.   But sometimes to the point where I didn't want to live here on earth anymore,  it was just too hard.  It hurt too bad.  

I believed in God's sovereignty.   That means that He's in control.   Everything that touches me has been filtered through His will.    And yet,  deep down in the humanness and sinfulness of my heart,   I want God to be the good genie in the bottle,  the magic potion that makes my life perfect.   The one who shields me from hurt and pain.   I'm not asking for much,  I would think petulantly.   I don't need a bigger house or a nicer car,  I just want my babies.

    It hurts so deep....when He puts these burdens on us ,  leads us through the valley of death, choses this terrible and miserable road for us.   My grieving was about losing my children, yes,  but also about how to love the God who had hurt me.   Love matters.   I can only worship what I love,  and obey what I love.  

While I struggled to love God,  to trust him,  there was a whisper from the Holy Spirit.   I knew that He had me.   He wasn't going to let go.  He was preserving my life,  and somewhere deep down,  I knew it and loved Him for it.  

But I lived in fear.  Constant fear,  really,  of the next bad thing God had lined up for me.  A year ago,  on our 10 year anniversary trip,  Mr. Wonderful and I had a conversation.   James was about 15 weeks along,  and I was holding my breath for that anticipated 18 week ultrasound.    Surely the doctors would be able to fix it, if they found anything wrong, I thought. These were the specialists!    Mr. W gently reminded me that God had not promised us anything.   He had given us this little one for a while,  how long was completely up to Him. 

I don't know for sure where I would be if James had been called to heaven with our other babies.   But I do know,  that while he has been a balm to my lonely heart,  James isn't the source of healing.  Neither is the passing of time,  as so many well-meaning people say.   God is. 

What blows me away about this season in my life is how rich it feels.  This healing,  this restoration,  is beyond what I had hoped for,  beyond what I had prayed for.   He has truly been at work,  and there is fruit.  From HIS work.

He has brought me to a place of unexpected abundance.   Abundant love for Him,  and eyes that can see His hand. 



Even the fruits of our meager garden efforts...
so many "little" things are truly remarkable gifts from Him.

  

6 months

We simply cannot believe that we are halfway through
our first year with James.    Where has the time gone? 

I try, everyday,  to really look at James (and now, even more,  the rest of my boys, for they are growing and changing, too, though it's just not quite as obvious!)   Even with this concious effort,  I know I must be an official mom now....I keep saying over and over the mantra of moms and grandmas everywhere...they grow up so fast!   Sometimes there is an ache when I stare into this little guy's eyes....will I remember?  Will I remember this summer of joys?   His smiles and coos?   The way we all crowd around,  trying to make him giggle?

Am I doing every thing I can to live,  truly live? 

Or am I stuck on the hamster wheel of mommy work, 

which we all know never ends anyway? 

What do you think?  Is it possible to live without regrets?

Or are regrets just a part of what it means to parent in this world of mistakes?

James:

"My brothers are in bed and ...I have Daddy all to myself!"

A Light from Shadows

(wink captured by Nathan)

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."


J.R.R. Tolkein



Braden:   "Are we going to have another baby someday, Mom?"
Mom:   "We don't know, dear.   But remember how great a gift James is....how we have been given far, far more than we deserve!"
Braden:  "YES!  James is the best thing that has happened to me!!"

Growin' on Kisses

This boy gains in heft every day, it seems.
 It must be all the kisses....
we can't seem to keep our lips from his cheek,
 his soft fuzzy head,  and his sweet soft neck. 
Not to mention the dimpled elbows, 

the chubby knees,  and adorable toes.

Good Gifts

We still look at each other,  and with a whisper, 

marvel that he's here....3 months tomorrow.

What could be sweeter than his soft head,

his dimpled elbows,  and the intoxicating scent of a baby?

First Smiles

New Mercy

James is now two months old.

He has doubled his weight,

he's now over 11 pounds.

This has been a season

of renewed dependence on the Lord.

My weaknesses are still here,

the fears are still here...

so that I will seek Him.

He is faithful,

the Giver

of grace and peace.

The Same

Three years ago,    a special gift given in the moment I most needed it...walking into the hospital to be induced to deliver my child,  who had died in my womb.  It was the Word of God.   Portions of a certain Psalm were running through my mind on repeat,  and as we waited,  my husband read and read and read the laments and praises until he found it.
 The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made....
Psalm 145 has been my meditation,  a rock of comfort and uncomfortable truth since then.   Many times I've read it,  through tears and with clenched fists as I battled my emotions that wanted to despair.
He hears their cry and saves them...
My daughter, Ellie! 
God is loving towards all he has made...
When the next child also died,  my soul sighed,  resigned to grief and heaviness. 
The Lord upholds all those who fall....
Benjamin, my son!
Every day I will praise you....
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.



Now,  there is this amazing, unexpected, thrilling and mind-boggling turn of events:   a living child.  He breathes.   James!

O Lord, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.    Isaiah 25:1

How is it?   How can it be?  

The same God who takes away,  has now given?

And He's no less good when He takes,  then when He gives?

These verses were true 10 years ago when I first felt grief,

3 years ago when it's full weight fell upon me,   and even now...

He is unchangeable,  and His ways I cannot even begin to understand.

I stand, like Job, with my hand over my mouth,

and worship.   

Holding On

Ten Perfect Toes



Days Apart

5 days

with just glimpses from the bedroom doorway

have made their hearts even fonder

(if that is even possible).

Now they're sending cookie messages!

Sweet!

Remembering, with Joy

'Diane' Witch Hazel~~a special gift from last spring, in memory of Benjamin

 I savor my James with all my might,

fighting the fatigue of round the clock feedings

and stress of having a pre-term baby

with every single one of us

getting sick during his first week.

We are praying for James' immune system to fight this

so he doesn't have to go back to the hospital.

James and I keep mostly to the bedroom,

and the big boys haven't been able to hold him since Saturday.

It's been painful,  but a teaching and learning time

about the importance of sacrificing our own desires

(to love on James!)

for his good.

Things have been so crazy that I wasn't able

to post on Ellie's Heaven Day.

It hurt my heart,  but I rejoice in knowing

that she's not offended!

She is in heaven,  with her brothers,  and JESUS!

She doesn't need anything from me!

I do miss her, though.  

 I miss her twinkling eyes,

and the way her pudgy fingers

would be enthralled with her newest brother.

Happy Heaven Day, Ellie!

The Brothers!

Meeting the big boys!

They are enthralled with James,

and he thinks they're pretty great, too!

James: Day 2

More about James

Monday was an amazing day....

we all were so excited as we left the big boys

with my mom.

We kept repeating to each other

that nothing was going to happen today. 

We were only going in for an ultrasound to check fluid levels

and an amnio to check to see if James' lungs were matured.

The drive to the city was a bit tense.   I was stressed and nervous

about the tests and the decisions that we would be facing.  

Mostly I just prayed that his lungs would be ready...

we didn't want to have to decide what to do if they weren't.

Decisions like that are really hard,  especially if you

don't fully understand the risks.

The ultrasound and amnio went well.

We walked to the hospital so I could be monitored,

hoping the amnio wouldn't put me into labor.

It didn't,  and while we waited,  the test results

came back.

James' lungs came in at 55.2.

Maturity is reached at 55...

he just squeeked by.

We talked with our big city doctor, Dr. K.

He left the decision totally up to us...

he could do the c-section that afternoon..

or wait a few days.

At that point,   I was estatic.

Who would want to wait

when within just hours

I could hold and see

my baby?

We called Mom,  and I talked with the boys.

Nathan whooped and holllered.

Braden cried...and I did, too.

God had his hand on us, and the on the Dr.'s that afternoon.

The c-section turned out to be complicated

in ways I still don't fully understand.

My body was not in the condition that anyone expected.

We praise God for his protection and provision

of wise and very competent doctors.

At 3:03 pm,   I saw my son.  

He was perfect.

After a few minutes,

Mr. Wonderful brought him over to me,

and even though the drugs have

 blurred many of my memories,

I will never forget pressing my lips to his sweet head.

James was here.  He was safe.

Praise God!!