Happy Thanksgiving!!

We have so much to thank God for...

His mercy, His kindness, His provision,  His Love,

His healing, His grace....

HIM!

in their eyes

Everyone mentions the family resemblance:

these boys belong together.

How do I love?

God is calling.

He's calling me to here, 

to offer each task,  each moment,

 as an gift,

wrapped with thanks-giving.

*building a fort on the stairs with Ian

*Silent Night played over and over

*morning light,  and joy

*sleep,  even in 2 hour stretches

8

Poor Nathan.

His party was postponed for weeks

due to illnesses.

He was so patient and understanding.

When we celebrate, though, we go all the way!

G'ma H brings rice crispy cake,   and Nathan gets his birthday dessert from Mom:

this year he chose apple crisp.

Nathan is such an amazing young man.  

 I am so proud of the way he is tackling his schoolwork this year: 

with energy (!) and hard work.

We love you, Nathan!  Happy {late} Birthday!

Childhood Dreams

As a young girl,  the highlight of my summer was going u-picking.

Raspberries and blackberries,  apples and peaches.

Canning, making jam and pies,  oh the smells.

I longed for the day when I would have my own home, 

with all kinds of my own fruit.   How amazing would that be?

This summer,  5 years after putting our roots down here,

we have our first real harvest of fruit.

Raspberries by the bucketful~2 times a week,

  and we picked 130 pounds of peaches this evening. 

I feel something that money can't buy,  feeding my family from the fruit of our hands.

This blessing,  this is wealth,  this is abundance from the Lord.

Vacation on the Lake

I am dizzy with happiness~giddy with a sweet contentment that floods my heart.  Was I made for this very moment?  The excited calls of the boys coming down the river,  the buzz of the bee on the white wildflowers,  James plucking at the grass at the edge of his blanket. There is pine on the softest breeze,  there is the quiet ripple of the water,  there is the haze of the late summer sky.

 A picnic lunch,   waiting to be laid out and then devoured by these boys too soon to be grown.  I am constantly reminded of the way these days will soon be gone.  But I will always remember today,  a picnic beside the creek,  and the thrill it was. 

An hour later:  

 A simple comment about the beauty and perfection of our picnic bouyed Mr. Wonderful in a way I haven't noticed before.  Was my cheerfulness such a surprise?  Have I really become so stressed---so habitually mothering that I have forgotten how to let it go and enjoy life? 

How can I regain a sense of childishness,  (at least every now and then) the kind that refuses to think about the next meal,  the missed naptimes and how to make them up, ect.? 

Can I learn to give the gift of contentment?  If I walked in true peace,  with a grateful heart, what kind of difference might that make in our home and in all our days?

Free

The best things in life

are things freely given...

My boys gathered sunflowers and leftover wheat stalks.

They know the way to this Mommy's heart!

Fair Time

 Our county fair is so small town,  so rural,  so po-dunk.

But we love it.

This was the first year that we entered the
"Veggie Character" Contest.

We had so much fun being creative with what we had...

Braden's guy ended up with quite the scowl...
and his purple sheen was so handsome!

Ian's Potato Snowman had a zucchini head,  and peas for buttons. 

(Later we added purple beans for arms).

James enjoyed the fair....he just loves to be outside,
anytime!

The food....always overpriced,  always delicious!!

Here's the highlight....the hair,  the moustache...the quirky personality...

and I'm still talking about the veggie dude! 

I do think he reflects quite well on his creator,  though,

don't you?

I entered quite a few garden vegetables and some flowers,

earning $23 in winnings.   I am trying to decide what to spend it on:

clothes shopping or a hydrangea bush for our front step.

Can you guess which way I'm leaning??

A Little Limbo

I am learning,  trying to learn,  how to live in this new life.    Prepared as I was for what was could have been,  and thrilled as I am with what is,  I am at a loss sometimes.   The past years have been so draining,  emotionally and physically,  that it is going to take awhile to re-ajust.   There are still holes,  still wounds.   As much as I didn't want this to become a grief blog,  I also didn't want my life to be defined by my losses.   And yet,  I have changed.  So so much has changed.   Sometimes I am not sure of how to be happy,  of how to fully live in the blessing God has given.

If
I
am
honest,
it's because
I am still afraid.

I am now in the thick of all I've wanted.  My arms have been miraculously filled, and now,  as I watch him grow so very quickly,  I realize how afraid I am of failure.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever been blessed to do  (understatement).   All of my boys need so much,  and I am so limited.   God is endless,  and prayers for help and wisdom he does not ignore.

Dr. Love

Our  doctor,

who was with us when Braden was born 

9 years ago,

then Nathan,

then Ian.

A perfect fit....laid back and relaxed

she understood me and my approach

(less is more!).

Then, in 2007,  another pregnancy.  YAY!

Everything cruising along just fine....

when,  at the routine 6-month appointment...

she couldn't find a heartbeat.

She sent me off for an ultrasound, 

hoping that the baby had just moved into a tricky place.

As I walked out of the examining room, she hugged me.

It was then I grasped what she was afraid of...

and I tasted fear and death.

That night,  Dr. Love delivered Ellie. 

Stillborn and perfect....

a girl....

and she wept.

Last winter,  

unsteady and afraid for our newest little one,

going to see her was tonic and balm.

She didn't make any promises,

but I was reassured anyway.

Until 18 weeks.

This time,  when the doppler couldn't find that steady rythm,

she bent down,   hugged me and cried.

So sorry,  so very sorry.

After many hours of waiting,

when I was finally delivering Benjamin,

she ran down the hallway to my room...

that is one of my sharpest memories of that hard time...

her footsteps coming fast.

My doctor was running:

for me,

for our baby, 

who was dead.

What kind a doctor does that?

I called her the day I found out about Sweet 7  { our James }.

She prayed with me, 

and every visit and phone conversation since

(and there have been alot!!)

has ended with her humble prayers

that God would give her, and the other dr.'s, wisdom,

and that He would spare this little life.

Every step of the way,  she has been loving and caring

and supportive.   She has been gracious and humble,

when we decided that we needed to see the high-risk doctors.

It was a emotional decision for me to have James in the city,

away from her.   

This photo was taken the day after we came home

from the hospital.

We went to see her, 

and introduce her to our very special son.

We thank God often for his kindness to us,

evidenced in a smalltown doctor,

who loves.

Days Apart

5 days

with just glimpses from the bedroom doorway

have made their hearts even fonder

(if that is even possible).

Now they're sending cookie messages!

Sweet!

Nursery

The nursery is ready:

tiny sleepers and socks,

bears and blankets.

 Empty frames

waiting for his face,

his hands,  his feet.

Birthday Boy

Braden,  my big boy,  is nine.  9??!!

I can't believe it, really.  

Everyday with Braden is filled with joys and challenges...

when we are feeling overwhelmed with the challenges

I remind myself that having a strong will,

being opinionated and a bit stubborn,

are all character traits that God will mold

and shape into an incredible man,

a leader and not a follower.

Braden has a tender heart, too, 

and has been greatly affected by our losses.

He understands eternity far better than I did at that age, 

and is just now starting to anticipate Sweet 7's arrival

without a cloud of fear in his eyes.

He told me the other night that the time he will be spending

with the grandparents while I am in the hospital

for three days won't be any fun....

he will be so worried about me and the baby.   

This touched me so much!  

I reminded him that we are all

working on praying, not worrying!!

I asked him some questions, thinking it would be fun to get a little snapshot of the life of this boy....

What is your favorite color?  Red

What is your favorite toy?  Tools  (Daddy's boy!! )

What is your favorite dinner?  Chicken Fetticine Alfredo with Broccoli

What is your favorite dessert?  Ice Cream Cake (Aunt Grace's!!)

Which friend would you most like to visit today?   Jonah

What would you like most to do with Dad?   Go swimming

What is your favorite movie?  Kung Fu Panda

What is your favorite book?  The Way Things Work

What have you learned this week?  To whistle!!

What is your favorite musical instrument?  Guitar 

What is your favorite song?  On Christ the Solid Rock (hymn)

What is your favorite part of our home?  The basement with the wrestling mat

What are you looking forward to about springtime?  Football outside with Dad

Moving Ahead

It's time, 
whether my emotions are
ready or not,
to get ready for this baby. 
Today I am repainting the small room that's right off ours...
hoping and praying as I work.

It's where we welcomed Ian. 
A room with happy memories.
But the floors are too bright...
the walls dingy and full of nail holes. 
I'm hoping to have the nursery ready in 2 weeks....


Baby's Room~Before



Thanksgiving

21 degrees.

Nothing to prove,

just because they can!

~

Life and breath,

movement and health,

warmth inside

and cheer beside.

Thankful

more than words

can say.

A devotion to share

A few weeks ago I shared this devotion at my sister's bridal shower.    Here's my notes:
Contentment~Psalm 16~
Now, it may be that the Holy Spirit has been speaking to my own heart so loudly and persistently about this in my own life that I can't hear anything else, but as I prayed and thought about what to share with you tonight---Psalm 16 and contentment came to mind (right after submission and keeping milk in the fridge! :-) )

     What is contentment? And what does this have to do with marriage, and our desire to be good and godly wives to our husbands?

First, contentment is defined as:
"a resting and satisfaction of mind, without disquiet."
The opposite of content is: discontent, envy, greed, fear and worry

What does contentment look like in marriage?

First, we have to begin with GOD! You CANNOT be fully content in your marriage and with Tyler unless you are trusting, resting and satisfied completely in God. He is your ultimate provider: your needs CANNOT all be met by Tyler! You must go to God with your heart for all that He places in your life. Remeber verse 11: "You will fill me with joy in your presence".

So, after you are content in God and have found your joy in His presence, then you have to come to grips with whatever is in front of you that is causing your "discontent, envy, greed, fear and worry." God calls and commands us to be content whatever the circumstances and whatever the situation. (Phillippians 4:11-15) The power to be content comes ONLY from HIM, who gives us the strength.

What does this look like in marriage? How can can we practically live this out?

Because you trust in God, you can trust Tyler to lead and direct your home. You can be content in the provision he brings (not just finacial provision, the spiritual, emotional and physical!) Discontent and complaining ALWAYS tears our husbands down.

A wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands a foolish woman tears hers down. ~Proverbs 14:1

Discontent brings out our nagging and critical side, which is never helpful to our husbands or ourselves.

Being content, in God first and then Tyler, will be a gift that you can daily give Tyler. Think of how being this kind of wife, who encourages, supports and respects her husband, without complaining, keeping her heart content in God, will free her husband to lead and serve his family in the way that God directs him to.

One of the biggest issues I've had in my short years of marriage (and life) is dealing with the dissapointment of unmet expectations. I tend to expect certain things: my husband will do this, act this way, call me at this time, ect... and our life together will go this way. While it is OK to plan and dream, God has shown me that my expectations of my husband and our future are unbiblical.

Read James 4:13-15

Living life in submission to GOD's will for each particular day, allowing Him to direct my TO-DO list, gives the freedom to be content. My own priorities and expectations were faulty----in reality, looking back, I see that my husband has far exceeded my expectations in the things that I really need. He has loved me faithfully and tenderly through times and circumstances that have brought out all that is sinful and ugly in my heart. He is a godly man, and having him as my spiritual leader has benefitted and calmed my soul so very often! It really is true that, while much has changed in us over the past 10 years, I DO love him more than ever! His character is a souce of love and inspiration. The boundaries have fallen for me in pleasant and delightful places!!!!

      The other place where contentment is needed is with ourselves. It is so easy to get impatient with where we are...as wives and as women of God. I know that a year and a half ago, after going through a time of deep grief and depression, I was very discouraged because I couldn't see any fruit in my life. It's one thing to go through a hard time if you know there's something worthwhile at the end of it all! But I was still thinking on my own timeline....it's just now that the fruit of those years is coming to bear on my life. It's God's work to change us, and we have to be content with HIS timeline. There is no way to rush it! Character takes time! Be content, and again, TRUST GOD to do what needs done in your life.

I hope this was helpful to all of you ladies in some way, and that sometime down the road in your future, Grace, by the power of the Holy Spirit, that you will see the fruit of peace that contentment brings.

As I close, I would like to read an exerpt from my favorite author, Elizabeth Elliot. " {I}...have learned that He is indeed Enough. He is not all we would ask (if we are honest), but it is precisely when we do not have what we would ask for, and only then, that we can clearly perceive His all-sufficiency. It is when the sea is moonless that the LORD has become my Light. "

Lord, we acknowledge you as Enough. You are all we need, and when we are having hard day, we want to come to you with our hearts, our unmet expectations and dissapointments, and find IN YOU our peace and true contentment, and true understanding of life that acknowleges, even in the worst of times, because of Jesus, your judgement is not on us, and the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places. We are yours!!!!

Please bless Grace as she moves into the wonderful role of wife to Tyler. Grant her a peaceful heart and a contented spirit as she walks through life, supporting and loving Tyler. Bless their marriage, lead them and guide them through these early years, and all the decisions they will be facing.

You are so GOOD, God! We love you and praise you for the good gift of marriage! In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Abundance

The bounty and beauty of the season overwhelms me at times

 I feel rich,  positively rolling in luxury,

on these last stolen days before winter's chill~~

harvesting the last bits and pieces from my garden,

and having roses like these

(Abraham Darby, English roses)

in the bathroom.

and pie for after dinner!

Truth for Today

1. God is here, and will never leave {Matthew 28:20}
2. God is at work, and will be until it's done{Phillippians 1:6}
3. God is for me,  and He will win {Romans 8:31-32}
4. God has a plan,  and it is good {Psalm 33:11,  Romans 8:28}
5. God has loved,  so that I live {Lamentations 3:22}

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face!

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

Hear Our Prayers

(written back in August)
Tonight, over dinner at our favorite resturant (to celebrate!!)

we told the boys about the baby.

Nathan, who was sitting next to me, just beamed and gave me a huge hug and kiss.

Ian, who had to think for a minute, finally said: "A baby like Briscoe?" (his youngest cousin)

Then he decided to give me a kiss.

Braden was very serious and took it all in (Daddy talking about taking me and baby to different doctors hoping they will be able to find out what's wrong and help us.)

He didn't say much, and didn't even smile much. I know his heart is hurting.

But at bedtime, he prayed that God, if it's His will,

would give us this baby.

To let us hold this baby.

Amen.

12 weeks

I am praising my God, the God who keeps, holds and sustains me.

His power is displayed best in vessels of absolute weakness.

I have never felt weaker.....but by His grace and mercy,

I am not consumed.

I may be exhuasted, hungry, weepy and {just a little}whiny,

but I am still alive.
He has given me just what I need for each day:

the wise council and generous comfort of my wonderful husband,

kind inquiries and listening ears of family members,

the diligent prayers of our friends.

God is good.