How do I love?

God is calling.

He's calling me to here, 

to offer each task,  each moment,

 as an gift,

wrapped with thanks-giving.

*building a fort on the stairs with Ian

*Silent Night played over and over

*morning light,  and joy

*sleep,  even in 2 hour stretches

Come and Listen

  Preface:   When I was grieving,  deeply wounded by the lifetime ahead of separation from my children,  words like this stung.  Like salt in a cut,  or smoke in the eyes,  those who were happy made me feel all the worse.  (That was wrong.   I knew it was,  but there it was.  I couldn't help but feel like God had singled me out for pain.)   So I write this with a prayer,  that if you are the one in the darkness right now,  you can either turn away now,  and come back when things are better,  or read on,  knowing that God has brought healing where once there was nothing,  nothing but ugly, nasty pain and sin,  all mixed up.  And (please here this!) things are far from perfect now.  But I have to praise God....literally there are times I feel ready to burst if I don't tell someone what the Lord has done for me!!

Come and Listen, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me!
~Psalm 66:16

Praise our God, O people,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you have brought us to
a place of abundance.
~Psalm 66:8-12

The last 4 years of my life are a blur...and not in a good way.   In just the last few months,  like awakening from a terrible dream,  the reality that God is still at work in my life has given me hope.   Hope for life,  here and now.  In the midst of that pain,  all that I could think about was heaven.   And that was a good thing.   But sometimes to the point where I didn't want to live here on earth anymore,  it was just too hard.  It hurt too bad.  

I believed in God's sovereignty.   That means that He's in control.   Everything that touches me has been filtered through His will.    And yet,  deep down in the humanness and sinfulness of my heart,   I want God to be the good genie in the bottle,  the magic potion that makes my life perfect.   The one who shields me from hurt and pain.   I'm not asking for much,  I would think petulantly.   I don't need a bigger house or a nicer car,  I just want my babies.

    It hurts so deep....when He puts these burdens on us ,  leads us through the valley of death, choses this terrible and miserable road for us.   My grieving was about losing my children, yes,  but also about how to love the God who had hurt me.   Love matters.   I can only worship what I love,  and obey what I love.  

While I struggled to love God,  to trust him,  there was a whisper from the Holy Spirit.   I knew that He had me.   He wasn't going to let go.  He was preserving my life,  and somewhere deep down,  I knew it and loved Him for it.  

But I lived in fear.  Constant fear,  really,  of the next bad thing God had lined up for me.  A year ago,  on our 10 year anniversary trip,  Mr. Wonderful and I had a conversation.   James was about 15 weeks along,  and I was holding my breath for that anticipated 18 week ultrasound.    Surely the doctors would be able to fix it, if they found anything wrong, I thought. These were the specialists!    Mr. W gently reminded me that God had not promised us anything.   He had given us this little one for a while,  how long was completely up to Him. 

I don't know for sure where I would be if James had been called to heaven with our other babies.   But I do know,  that while he has been a balm to my lonely heart,  James isn't the source of healing.  Neither is the passing of time,  as so many well-meaning people say.   God is. 

What blows me away about this season in my life is how rich it feels.  This healing,  this restoration,  is beyond what I had hoped for,  beyond what I had prayed for.   He has truly been at work,  and there is fruit.  From HIS work.

He has brought me to a place of unexpected abundance.   Abundant love for Him,  and eyes that can see His hand. 



Even the fruits of our meager garden efforts...
so many "little" things are truly remarkable gifts from Him.

  

Safe

    Our belated birthday trip to the City for Daddy's birthday came with a scare yesterday.   Have you ever lost one of your children?   I have never misplaced one of them for longer than a few seconds.

    We were biking along the river (which is very high still from the spring runoff) on the bike path.   At the midpoint,  we stopped to walk through a wildlife park,  but Ian kept on going,  and in our distraction over James (is he getting sunburned through the canopy?  does he need to eat?  should we let him keep sleeping? etc.) we didn't see him disappear down the path.   When we noticed he wasn't with us,  we thought he was just ahead of us in the wildlife park.   We spent a few minutes calling his name,  half running down the paths,  thinking he would be just around the next bend.   About that time,  he had turned around and biked back up the path,  but didn't see our bikes at the park and just kept going right on past.   We came out of the park,  separated and and started searching. 

  15 minutes later after pedaling hard,  I was all the way back to our vehicle. I had questioned nearly everyone I passed about a little boy, 4 years old and alone.    I begged and borrowed a cell phone from a complete stranger,  called back to Mr. Wonderful,  who had just found Ian.   He had gone off the path,  talked to several different people,  and was with a man who was getting ready to call the police.  

   God is merciful,  and our boy Ian is safe.
  

The Same

Three years ago,    a special gift given in the moment I most needed it...walking into the hospital to be induced to deliver my child,  who had died in my womb.  It was the Word of God.   Portions of a certain Psalm were running through my mind on repeat,  and as we waited,  my husband read and read and read the laments and praises until he found it.
 The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made....
Psalm 145 has been my meditation,  a rock of comfort and uncomfortable truth since then.   Many times I've read it,  through tears and with clenched fists as I battled my emotions that wanted to despair.
He hears their cry and saves them...
My daughter, Ellie! 
God is loving towards all he has made...
When the next child also died,  my soul sighed,  resigned to grief and heaviness. 
The Lord upholds all those who fall....
Benjamin, my son!
Every day I will praise you....
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.



Now,  there is this amazing, unexpected, thrilling and mind-boggling turn of events:   a living child.  He breathes.   James!

O Lord, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.    Isaiah 25:1

How is it?   How can it be?  

The same God who takes away,  has now given?

And He's no less good when He takes,  then when He gives?

These verses were true 10 years ago when I first felt grief,

3 years ago when it's full weight fell upon me,   and even now...

He is unchangeable,  and His ways I cannot even begin to understand.

I stand, like Job, with my hand over my mouth,

and worship.   

Dr. Love

Our  doctor,

who was with us when Braden was born 

9 years ago,

then Nathan,

then Ian.

A perfect fit....laid back and relaxed

she understood me and my approach

(less is more!).

Then, in 2007,  another pregnancy.  YAY!

Everything cruising along just fine....

when,  at the routine 6-month appointment...

she couldn't find a heartbeat.

She sent me off for an ultrasound, 

hoping that the baby had just moved into a tricky place.

As I walked out of the examining room, she hugged me.

It was then I grasped what she was afraid of...

and I tasted fear and death.

That night,  Dr. Love delivered Ellie. 

Stillborn and perfect....

a girl....

and she wept.

Last winter,  

unsteady and afraid for our newest little one,

going to see her was tonic and balm.

She didn't make any promises,

but I was reassured anyway.

Until 18 weeks.

This time,  when the doppler couldn't find that steady rythm,

she bent down,   hugged me and cried.

So sorry,  so very sorry.

After many hours of waiting,

when I was finally delivering Benjamin,

she ran down the hallway to my room...

that is one of my sharpest memories of that hard time...

her footsteps coming fast.

My doctor was running:

for me,

for our baby, 

who was dead.

What kind a doctor does that?

I called her the day I found out about Sweet 7  { our James }.

She prayed with me, 

and every visit and phone conversation since

(and there have been alot!!)

has ended with her humble prayers

that God would give her, and the other dr.'s, wisdom,

and that He would spare this little life.

Every step of the way,  she has been loving and caring

and supportive.   She has been gracious and humble,

when we decided that we needed to see the high-risk doctors.

It was a emotional decision for me to have James in the city,

away from her.   

This photo was taken the day after we came home

from the hospital.

We went to see her, 

and introduce her to our very special son.

We thank God often for his kindness to us,

evidenced in a smalltown doctor,

who loves.

The Wait, 34 weeks

These little African violets starts have made their home

on my windowsill for over a year.

Adding new leaves regularly,  and generally looking good....

just no blooms.   Until now.  

 I am soaking them up,  enjoying every petal, 

every flamboyant shade of purple.  

And joy,  more buds appearing!

Everything worth having is also worth waiting for.

So much of our lives can be defined by the Wait, 

and what it is that we are waiting for. 

Right now,  it's not a surprise that I am on pins and needles waiting

for my little one to be in my arms,  safe and healthy.

But,  as I wait,  and as I pray,  and as I hope and long for mercy...

am I serving God with my whole heart?  

Am I doing what he wants me to do today??

I want to be someone who is useful while they wait!!

Rain

There's substance that's casting these shadows
There's reason behind all this pain
All gold is made pure by refining
And plants cannot grow without rain

He's promised to hold you and keep you
He's told you that he's always there
His Word says He'll never forsake you
Or test you past what you can bear

So trust in Him all through this darkness
Hold fast to the truth of His Word
Be certain of His gracious promise
And rest in Christ Jesus our Lord

For one day all pain shall be broken
Renewed shall be joy that was lost
All death, pain and fear have been conquered
Because of His death on the cross



~Amy Calderone
via girltalk

26 weeks and Rejoicing!

Ian took this picture of "the brothers"

while they were trumpeting with wrapping paper rolls.

This is the way it is around here....loud,  blurry,  but still Oh, so happy!

Baby Boy is doing great according to today's ultrasound,

and is up to 2 lbs. 5 oz.

After Ellie and Benjamin, 

this seems so big. 

It is huge.

Choose Life

During the last 4 weeks (since our baby's heartbeat was heard), to survive I have been focussing on the good--the gifts of God's grace in my life.   Everyday is a search for evidences of His faithfulness.   My natural mental and emotional state would be either to:
1.  obsess about the baby,  and what might be wrong,  and if we're missing anything....on and on.....
2.  shut down completely.

The daily needs of my family (you know--dinner and clean socks and all!) keep me from #2,  but only a diligent effort to seek God's presence in my day,   to pursue His beauty and intentionally open my eyes to His gifts has kept me from #1.

But this morning,   with my heart pounding in my ears,  I can't escape.  In just 2 hours,  I will know,  for today at least, if it's LIFE or Death.   It is so harsh,  so blunt, so either/or.   There is no middle ground.

Even here the Holy Spirit has something to remind me,  to teach me.   Everything in me loves LIFE,  and this little one,   and how I hate death.  I have tasted it,  and it is bitter.   I hate it.   How much more does God!   And how He want us to see that this is the reality of every single day.  We have the choice ( oh what a blessed choice as believers!) to walk in the Spirit,  sowing seeds of Life,  or to wallow in the ugliness that is our sinful nature. We delude ourselves  into thinking the little sins don't matter....

How I long to walk in the Life of Christ today! 
By His Spirit,  and His mercies,  which are new every morning.

Harvest

As I worked in short shifts to get my peaches canned this year, there were many comforting thoughts for me to meditate upon. Who knew that the sights and smells of canning would have such a place in my heart?

I feel connected, rooted. I grew up canning with my mom and siblings....peaches were always a grand effort, done all in one long day. But even farther back, these golden delights have a tie to my great-grandmother, Grammy, who served them fresh on her homemade ice cream.

I feel postive about the future. By lining my pantry with bright and beautiful jars, I am providing nourishment and comfort for my family during the gray days of winter that are coming.

{Proverbs 31:25}

I feel hopeful. Fall is a time of abundance, the harvest. The God who governs the seasons of earth, giving harvestime after the summer of labor--- He is the God of my heart. He will bring fruit into my life again, if I do not become weary in doing good. {Galatians 6:9}

p.s. I'm now 14 weeks! Not that anyone's counting!

I'll Fly Away

Ian at worship practice....this is his current favorite song.

The 3-year-old is Spirit-led,

and he teaches my heart

to sing.

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,I'll fly away

To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away.

When the shadows of this life have grown I'll fly away,

Like a bird from prison bars has flown I'll fly away!

Just a few more weary days and then I'll fly away,

to a land where joys shall never end, I'll fly away!

Oh how glad and happy when we meet, I'll fly away,

No more cold, iron shackles on my feet, I'll fly away!

I'll fly away, O Glory, I'll fly away,

When I die, hallelejah, by and by, I'll fly away!

How Much More

my son eating a good thing from his daddy....

marshmallows over a camp-fire!

(March 2010)

Remember this mystery, the giving?

It has deepened, grown wider and longer:

overflowing the bounds and banks,

washing fragrant over me,

until my sense returned.

God is

for me.

God is at work,

for me.

God is love,

for me.

God is here,

for me.

The ministers of his grace,

showing such unexpected sacrificial generousity,

have brought the greater gift:

Blessed (re)assurance.

Jesus is mine!

Because if these, his servants,

know how to give good gifts,

how much more does He!

If they weep with me, and pray for me,

how much more does He!

If they work and strive to bless me,

how much more does He!

If they love me,

How much more does He!

If you then, though you are evil,

know how to give good gifts to your children,

how much more will your Father in heaven

give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:11

I Surrender All

At 2:30am, my husband took a trip to the emergency room with our middle son, Nathan. He suddenly is coughing and can't breathe. His throat is very restricted. Staying home with my other two boys, I have prayed as much as I can, doing the laundry and cleaning the bathroom.

~Now I have had a call, it's croup. They are giving him some treatments, and watching him for the next 4 hours. Please pray that Nathan heals, and that this will not return.

~

Today's hymn is a hard one,

especially when dealing with fear

and the reality that God DOES take away.

I want to be able to sing this with my whole heart!

~

All to Jesus I surrender,

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His presence daily live.

***

I surrender all,

I surrender all.

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all.

***

All to Jesus I surrender,

Humbly at His feet I bow,

Worldly pleasures all forsaken,

Take me, Jesus, take me now.

***

All to Jesus I surrender,

Make me, Savior, wholly thine;

May Thy Holy Spirit fill me,

May I know Thy pow'r divine.

***

All to Jesus I surrender,

Lord, I give myself to Thee;

Fill me with Thy love and power,

Let Thy blessing fall on me.

~Judson W. Van de Venter

My Father's World

This is my Father's world,

And to my listening ears

All nature sings and round me rings

The music of the spheres.

This is my Father's world:

I rest me in the thought

Of rocks and trees of skies and seas---

His hand the wonders wrought.

~

This is my Father's World,

The bird's their carols raise,

The morning light, the lily white,

Declare their Maker's praise.

This is my Father's world:

He shines in all that's fair;

In the rustling grass I hear Him pass,

He speaks to me everywhere.

~

This is my Father's world,

O let me ne'er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong,

God is the Ruler yet.

This is my Father's world;

the battle is not done;

Jesus who died shall be satisfied,

and earth and heaven be one.

~

Maltbie Davenport Babcock (1858-1901)

Last Sunday's hymn has been with me all week:

"Be still , my soul, the Lord is on thy side!"

This week I will remember

the third verse...

"God is the Ruler yet!"

Be Still, My Soul!

Be still, my soul! the Lord is on thy side;

bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change He faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul! thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

~

Be still, my soul! thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul! the waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

~

Be still, my soul! the hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disapointment, grief and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul! when change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

~Katharine Amalia von Schlegel, 1719