Playing Trucks

Is James learning to share already??

Nope,  just showin' off.

in their eyes

Everyone mentions the family resemblance:

these boys belong together.

8

Poor Nathan.

His party was postponed for weeks

due to illnesses.

He was so patient and understanding.

When we celebrate, though, we go all the way!

G'ma H brings rice crispy cake,   and Nathan gets his birthday dessert from Mom:

this year he chose apple crisp.

Nathan is such an amazing young man.  

 I am so proud of the way he is tackling his schoolwork this year: 

with energy (!) and hard work.

We love you, Nathan!  Happy {late} Birthday!

Vacation on the Lake

I am dizzy with happiness~giddy with a sweet contentment that floods my heart.  Was I made for this very moment?  The excited calls of the boys coming down the river,  the buzz of the bee on the white wildflowers,  James plucking at the grass at the edge of his blanket. There is pine on the softest breeze,  there is the quiet ripple of the water,  there is the haze of the late summer sky.

 A picnic lunch,   waiting to be laid out and then devoured by these boys too soon to be grown.  I am constantly reminded of the way these days will soon be gone.  But I will always remember today,  a picnic beside the creek,  and the thrill it was. 

An hour later:  

 A simple comment about the beauty and perfection of our picnic bouyed Mr. Wonderful in a way I haven't noticed before.  Was my cheerfulness such a surprise?  Have I really become so stressed---so habitually mothering that I have forgotten how to let it go and enjoy life? 

How can I regain a sense of childishness,  (at least every now and then) the kind that refuses to think about the next meal,  the missed naptimes and how to make them up, ect.? 

Can I learn to give the gift of contentment?  If I walked in true peace,  with a grateful heart, what kind of difference might that make in our home and in all our days?

Free

The best things in life

are things freely given...

My boys gathered sunflowers and leftover wheat stalks.

They know the way to this Mommy's heart!

Fair Time

 Our county fair is so small town,  so rural,  so po-dunk.

But we love it.

This was the first year that we entered the
"Veggie Character" Contest.

We had so much fun being creative with what we had...

Braden's guy ended up with quite the scowl...
and his purple sheen was so handsome!

Ian's Potato Snowman had a zucchini head,  and peas for buttons. 

(Later we added purple beans for arms).

James enjoyed the fair....he just loves to be outside,
anytime!

The food....always overpriced,  always delicious!!

Here's the highlight....the hair,  the moustache...the quirky personality...

and I'm still talking about the veggie dude! 

I do think he reflects quite well on his creator,  though,

don't you?

I entered quite a few garden vegetables and some flowers,

earning $23 in winnings.   I am trying to decide what to spend it on:

clothes shopping or a hydrangea bush for our front step.

Can you guess which way I'm leaning??

The Big Half

Braden spent his half birthday at work with Daddy,

so the rest of us snuck in some quick secret shopping.

Nathan bought him a Battleship game,

Ian chose some yogurt-covered pretzels,

and from Mommy and Daddy he got a clip light for reading in bed.

***

I am just bewildered how he's grown.

He has really become a young man,

quick to help,  quick to smile and laugh.

A Little Limbo

I am learning,  trying to learn,  how to live in this new life.    Prepared as I was for what was could have been,  and thrilled as I am with what is,  I am at a loss sometimes.   The past years have been so draining,  emotionally and physically,  that it is going to take awhile to re-ajust.   There are still holes,  still wounds.   As much as I didn't want this to become a grief blog,  I also didn't want my life to be defined by my losses.   And yet,  I have changed.  So so much has changed.   Sometimes I am not sure of how to be happy,  of how to fully live in the blessing God has given.

If
I
am
honest,
it's because
I am still afraid.

I am now in the thick of all I've wanted.  My arms have been miraculously filled, and now,  as I watch him grow so very quickly,  I realize how afraid I am of failure.  Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever been blessed to do  (understatement).   All of my boys need so much,  and I am so limited.   God is endless,  and prayers for help and wisdom he does not ignore.

A Light from Shadows

(wink captured by Nathan)

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."


J.R.R. Tolkein



Braden:   "Are we going to have another baby someday, Mom?"
Mom:   "We don't know, dear.   But remember how great a gift James is....how we have been given far, far more than we deserve!"
Braden:  "YES!  James is the best thing that has happened to me!!"

Safe

    Our belated birthday trip to the City for Daddy's birthday came with a scare yesterday.   Have you ever lost one of your children?   I have never misplaced one of them for longer than a few seconds.

    We were biking along the river (which is very high still from the spring runoff) on the bike path.   At the midpoint,  we stopped to walk through a wildlife park,  but Ian kept on going,  and in our distraction over James (is he getting sunburned through the canopy?  does he need to eat?  should we let him keep sleeping? etc.) we didn't see him disappear down the path.   When we noticed he wasn't with us,  we thought he was just ahead of us in the wildlife park.   We spent a few minutes calling his name,  half running down the paths,  thinking he would be just around the next bend.   About that time,  he had turned around and biked back up the path,  but didn't see our bikes at the park and just kept going right on past.   We came out of the park,  separated and and started searching. 

  15 minutes later after pedaling hard,  I was all the way back to our vehicle. I had questioned nearly everyone I passed about a little boy, 4 years old and alone.    I begged and borrowed a cell phone from a complete stranger,  called back to Mr. Wonderful,  who had just found Ian.   He had gone off the path,  talked to several different people,  and was with a man who was getting ready to call the police.  

   God is merciful,  and our boy Ian is safe.
  

Days Apart

5 days

with just glimpses from the bedroom doorway

have made their hearts even fonder

(if that is even possible).

Now they're sending cookie messages!

Sweet!

The Brothers!

Meeting the big boys!

They are enthralled with James,

and he thinks they're pretty great, too!

Birthday Boy

Braden,  my big boy,  is nine.  9??!!

I can't believe it, really.  

Everyday with Braden is filled with joys and challenges...

when we are feeling overwhelmed with the challenges

I remind myself that having a strong will,

being opinionated and a bit stubborn,

are all character traits that God will mold

and shape into an incredible man,

a leader and not a follower.

Braden has a tender heart, too, 

and has been greatly affected by our losses.

He understands eternity far better than I did at that age, 

and is just now starting to anticipate Sweet 7's arrival

without a cloud of fear in his eyes.

He told me the other night that the time he will be spending

with the grandparents while I am in the hospital

for three days won't be any fun....

he will be so worried about me and the baby.   

This touched me so much!  

I reminded him that we are all

working on praying, not worrying!!

I asked him some questions, thinking it would be fun to get a little snapshot of the life of this boy....

What is your favorite color?  Red

What is your favorite toy?  Tools  (Daddy's boy!! )

What is your favorite dinner?  Chicken Fetticine Alfredo with Broccoli

What is your favorite dessert?  Ice Cream Cake (Aunt Grace's!!)

Which friend would you most like to visit today?   Jonah

What would you like most to do with Dad?   Go swimming

What is your favorite movie?  Kung Fu Panda

What is your favorite book?  The Way Things Work

What have you learned this week?  To whistle!!

What is your favorite musical instrument?  Guitar 

What is your favorite song?  On Christ the Solid Rock (hymn)

What is your favorite part of our home?  The basement with the wrestling mat

What are you looking forward to about springtime?  Football outside with Dad

Fading Away

 I spent yesterday painting and playing and  all sorts of things....it was Braden's birthday (more about that later)  and by the 8 pm,   I was just done and heading to bed.   I cried,  feeling upset over everything....my boy turning 9,  not being able to get his birthday dinner of choice on the table,  a not-what-I-wanted haircut,  and that I didn't get a picture of my perfect 4 bloom amarylis.  

There is panic and so much fear in my heart right now....my emotions are beyond rollercoaster....should we call it a plane crash instead?  There is still a waiting,  a terrible feeling of waiting to love that I am so ready to be done with.   I want to give myself over to motherlove,   and stop hearing of all the maybes and what-ifs.   I am holding still and waiting for that movement,  that roll and tumble that tells me he's still here.

 I feel driven to work very very hard,  trying to finish things up before baby comes,  but then exhaustion makes all the emotions worse.    I cry again this morning,  sitting on my bed between piles of folded laundry,  my Bible open to John,  and my ears filled with the fighting and ugliness that always comes post-birthday party.  

I cannot do today alone.   As I head off to the grocery store,  and the hospital for another NST, 

along with every breath is a prayer for help,  for courage,  for strength.   

Resolve:

Less:

worry

More:

prayer

Less:

struggle

More:

peace

Less:

hurry

More:

play

Less:

doing

More:

enjoyment

Maybe it's that I turned 30 this month,

maybe it's the new expressions in my oldest's eyes....

But I am feeling the rush of time.

It's time to step out of the race,

let go of the pressure for perfect,

and just live. 

I only get to be here once!

25 Weeks

It has been perfectly beautiful winter weather here the past week.

There have been sledding parties,  snowball fights, 

and joyful preparations for Christmas.

Lots of hot cocoa,  stories read aloud, 

 and quiet reflections while the snow comes down.

*Baby is still doing well.   His kicks are the best part of my day.  Monday night I dreamed of him.

It was my first {good} dream----he was alive, smiling and needing a diaper change.  My dreams are always vivid,  and tend to affect my mornings...so many times I have to work hard at shaking off a nightmare.   But not yesterday.   I was on just so happy going through my day,   remembering that smile and smelly diaper. 

 *Last night we chose Baby's name.  We had't even talked about it that much,   but as we were falling asleep,   we just knew it was time.   The boys' had a mixed reaction this morning at breakfast.....turns out this little guy may have lots of middle names and nicknames!  

*There is still sadness.    Christmas is such a time of longing for me.   Longing for all that is not now,   and not here.    But the amazing thing is that God is helping me to work through the moments of sadness:  allowing them but then moving on.   Not dwelling or wallowing in the sadness.   

Is this contentment:  making peace with the grief?

*Winter is a time of challenge for me in mothering.   We are all feeling cooped up,  and nerves and tempers show.  I listen for the Lord in the noise and chaos,  but mostly I hear Him in the few minutes of stolen quiet and peace after the boys go to bed,  or before they wake up.    He is good to me because he is with me.

Turning

Nathan has done it!

He has turned the corner

and is now a full-fledged reader.

He's been reading (for school) for almost 2 years now....

but just this week started picking up books on his own

with the confidence that he could read it!

I absolutely love to see him reading to Ian

before breakfast!

Thanksgiving

21 degrees.

Nothing to prove,

just because they can!

~

Life and breath,

movement and health,

warmth inside

and cheer beside.

Thankful

more than words

can say.

The New Pet

Do I feel regret over the grimey fingers

or the dirt and the bug on the table?

No,  just that this is his new pet.  

Not a puppy,  kitten or bunny,

but a roly-poly bug.

How old?

 Dear Nathan,   you are seven?  7?   (It almost hurts to write it.)    Because when I look into your eyes,  I still see my darling baby,   my bouncy toddler,   my always moving pre-schooler.   So who is this I see now?   You are always doing nice things for your little brother before he even asks,   giving me all the hugs and kisses I need,  helping Dad,  and of course,   tossing the football with your big brother.

You are learning so much,  and growing so fast.

You have changed in the last year,

and I delight in watching what God is doing in your heart.

Before we opened gifts,  Dad asked you what you wanted

to do for your birthday.

(He was thinking a bike ride,  or a trip to the park.)

You looked at me,  gave a slow smile,

and said,

"I want Mommy to have the baby."

That brought tears,  happy tears to my eyes.

"I wish I could safely have the baby tonight, too, dear!"

I replied.  "But it's just not the right time yet."

So we went out on the porch to open presents,

your second choice of activities for the evening.

So stay 7 for awhile now,  and enjoy your legos
for a good long time.  

Please?

Love,

Mom