Miracle Baby @ 1

The big boys *couldn't* wait to give James his gifts....a mini-football and a red bouncy ball.

   We had pancakes for breakfast,  but because James had been up quite a bit in the night,  he slept through breakfast.   So he had a rewarmed pancake with applesauce.For after dinner,  I made French Breakfast Puffs.   James thought the candle and "Happy Birthday" was great!   

Happy Thanksgiving!!

We have so much to thank God for...

His mercy, His kindness, His provision,  His Love,

His healing, His grace....

HIM!

8

Poor Nathan.

His party was postponed for weeks

due to illnesses.

He was so patient and understanding.

When we celebrate, though, we go all the way!

G'ma H brings rice crispy cake,   and Nathan gets his birthday dessert from Mom:

this year he chose apple crisp.

Nathan is such an amazing young man.  

 I am so proud of the way he is tackling his schoolwork this year: 

with energy (!) and hard work.

We love you, Nathan!  Happy {late} Birthday!

Vacation on the Lake

I am dizzy with happiness~giddy with a sweet contentment that floods my heart.  Was I made for this very moment?  The excited calls of the boys coming down the river,  the buzz of the bee on the white wildflowers,  James plucking at the grass at the edge of his blanket. There is pine on the softest breeze,  there is the quiet ripple of the water,  there is the haze of the late summer sky.

 A picnic lunch,   waiting to be laid out and then devoured by these boys too soon to be grown.  I am constantly reminded of the way these days will soon be gone.  But I will always remember today,  a picnic beside the creek,  and the thrill it was. 

An hour later:  

 A simple comment about the beauty and perfection of our picnic bouyed Mr. Wonderful in a way I haven't noticed before.  Was my cheerfulness such a surprise?  Have I really become so stressed---so habitually mothering that I have forgotten how to let it go and enjoy life? 

How can I regain a sense of childishness,  (at least every now and then) the kind that refuses to think about the next meal,  the missed naptimes and how to make them up, ect.? 

Can I learn to give the gift of contentment?  If I walked in true peace,  with a grateful heart, what kind of difference might that make in our home and in all our days?

6 months

We simply cannot believe that we are halfway through
our first year with James.    Where has the time gone? 

I try, everyday,  to really look at James (and now, even more,  the rest of my boys, for they are growing and changing, too, though it's just not quite as obvious!)   Even with this concious effort,  I know I must be an official mom now....I keep saying over and over the mantra of moms and grandmas everywhere...they grow up so fast!   Sometimes there is an ache when I stare into this little guy's eyes....will I remember?  Will I remember this summer of joys?   His smiles and coos?   The way we all crowd around,  trying to make him giggle?

Am I doing every thing I can to live,  truly live? 

Or am I stuck on the hamster wheel of mommy work, 

which we all know never ends anyway? 

What do you think?  Is it possible to live without regrets?

Or are regrets just a part of what it means to parent in this world of mistakes?

Grandpa Dirt

My dad has a nickname, courtesy of the lil' rascal in the red shirt:

he calls him 'Dranpa Dirt.

(aka Grampa Curt)

Somehow,  my ornery children have picked up on it,

even though they are old enough to know better!!

Here he is,  the birthday boy,  with all his grandkids. 

Back row: Briscoe 18 mos,  Madison 2 1/2,  Grandpa, Braden

Ian, Cameron 2 1/2, James,  Nathan,  Brogan 3 1/2, Blake, 2 1/2

The Big Half

Braden spent his half birthday at work with Daddy,

so the rest of us snuck in some quick secret shopping.

Nathan bought him a Battleship game,

Ian chose some yogurt-covered pretzels,

and from Mommy and Daddy he got a clip light for reading in bed.

***

I am just bewildered how he's grown.

He has really become a young man,

quick to help,  quick to smile and laugh.

Happy Birthday, Ellie!!

24 weeks with my little girl....such a short time,

but how she has changed my life!

It's like a little secret....I have a daughter!!

There have been comments and questions 

(even more now that we have James)

asking about "trying" for a girl.

Most the time I just smile and say...

"We'll see!"

but inside I have this little monologue:

"Hey, sweet girl....I miss you,

and apparently everyone else,  even perfect strangers

can see that there is something missing in our little family...

a bouncy little girl!"

Ellie would be three today!

There are still moments of profound sadness and longing over
my Ellie,

but lately,  mostly just anticipation.  

She is safe and secure,

it's just a matter of time

until we touch again.



Happy Mother's Day

Mine came with extra sleep, coffee on the porch, strawberries and whipped cream.

Thanking God for 4 boys!

31 Years

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress,

and for his children it will be a refuge.

Proverbs 14:26

Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad.

Thank you for fearing God.

The Brothers!

Meeting the big boys!

They are enthralled with James,

and he thinks they're pretty great, too!

More about James

Monday was an amazing day....

we all were so excited as we left the big boys

with my mom.

We kept repeating to each other

that nothing was going to happen today. 

We were only going in for an ultrasound to check fluid levels

and an amnio to check to see if James' lungs were matured.

The drive to the city was a bit tense.   I was stressed and nervous

about the tests and the decisions that we would be facing.  

Mostly I just prayed that his lungs would be ready...

we didn't want to have to decide what to do if they weren't.

Decisions like that are really hard,  especially if you

don't fully understand the risks.

The ultrasound and amnio went well.

We walked to the hospital so I could be monitored,

hoping the amnio wouldn't put me into labor.

It didn't,  and while we waited,  the test results

came back.

James' lungs came in at 55.2.

Maturity is reached at 55...

he just squeeked by.

We talked with our big city doctor, Dr. K.

He left the decision totally up to us...

he could do the c-section that afternoon..

or wait a few days.

At that point,   I was estatic.

Who would want to wait

when within just hours

I could hold and see

my baby?

We called Mom,  and I talked with the boys.

Nathan whooped and holllered.

Braden cried...and I did, too.

God had his hand on us, and the on the Dr.'s that afternoon.

The c-section turned out to be complicated

in ways I still don't fully understand.

My body was not in the condition that anyone expected.

We praise God for his protection and provision

of wise and very competent doctors.

At 3:03 pm,   I saw my son.  

He was perfect.

After a few minutes,

Mr. Wonderful brought him over to me,

and even though the drugs have

 blurred many of my memories,

I will never forget pressing my lips to his sweet head.

James was here.  He was safe.

Praise God!!

Birthday Boy

Braden,  my big boy,  is nine.  9??!!

I can't believe it, really.  

Everyday with Braden is filled with joys and challenges...

when we are feeling overwhelmed with the challenges

I remind myself that having a strong will,

being opinionated and a bit stubborn,

are all character traits that God will mold

and shape into an incredible man,

a leader and not a follower.

Braden has a tender heart, too, 

and has been greatly affected by our losses.

He understands eternity far better than I did at that age, 

and is just now starting to anticipate Sweet 7's arrival

without a cloud of fear in his eyes.

He told me the other night that the time he will be spending

with the grandparents while I am in the hospital

for three days won't be any fun....

he will be so worried about me and the baby.   

This touched me so much!  

I reminded him that we are all

working on praying, not worrying!!

I asked him some questions, thinking it would be fun to get a little snapshot of the life of this boy....

What is your favorite color?  Red

What is your favorite toy?  Tools  (Daddy's boy!! )

What is your favorite dinner?  Chicken Fetticine Alfredo with Broccoli

What is your favorite dessert?  Ice Cream Cake (Aunt Grace's!!)

Which friend would you most like to visit today?   Jonah

What would you like most to do with Dad?   Go swimming

What is your favorite movie?  Kung Fu Panda

What is your favorite book?  The Way Things Work

What have you learned this week?  To whistle!!

What is your favorite musical instrument?  Guitar 

What is your favorite song?  On Christ the Solid Rock (hymn)

What is your favorite part of our home?  The basement with the wrestling mat

What are you looking forward to about springtime?  Football outside with Dad

31 Weeks and Undeserving

So far, the non-stress tests

have shown us 

our little man is doing great!

~~~

After loss, twice through,

it is still hard to grasp that in a matter of weeks,

if God wills,

I will hold this little one in my arms.

In so many ways,  grief has become a part of who I am.

I am used to it,  as ridiculous as that sounds.

Now I almost can't even imagine the feeling

of holding him.

Will I fly apart with happiness?

~~~

I am so undeserving of this gift.

God is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger,

abounding in love.

Don't Miss It

I've been so convicted this year....

not to miss the Gift of Love.

I don't want to be indifferent to the One who came,

but to have my heart focussed on Him.

***

We are days away from the next best Christmas present ever....

a baby with a heartbeat at 28 weeks.

Then we start non-stress tests twice a week...

I really never thought we'd be here.

Thank you ever so much,

more than words can say,

for your prayers.

They mean life.

Thanksgiving

21 degrees.

Nothing to prove,

just because they can!

~

Life and breath,

movement and health,

warmth inside

and cheer beside.

Thankful

more than words

can say.

The Wedding Day

 What a delicious day it has been!    Everything went so smoothly!   It was a morning wedding,   the ceremony beginning at 10:30.   Not alot of standing around before hand....but that is good!!

 Grace wore a vintage inspired dress and I made her veil.  She also wore her own vintage jewelry....she looked soooo lovely!

  

(All of these wonderful photos were by the professional photographer.)

How old?

 Dear Nathan,   you are seven?  7?   (It almost hurts to write it.)    Because when I look into your eyes,  I still see my darling baby,   my bouncy toddler,   my always moving pre-schooler.   So who is this I see now?   You are always doing nice things for your little brother before he even asks,   giving me all the hugs and kisses I need,  helping Dad,  and of course,   tossing the football with your big brother.

You are learning so much,  and growing so fast.

You have changed in the last year,

and I delight in watching what God is doing in your heart.

Before we opened gifts,  Dad asked you what you wanted

to do for your birthday.

(He was thinking a bike ride,  or a trip to the park.)

You looked at me,  gave a slow smile,

and said,

"I want Mommy to have the baby."

That brought tears,  happy tears to my eyes.

"I wish I could safely have the baby tonight, too, dear!"

I replied.  "But it's just not the right time yet."

So we went out on the porch to open presents,

your second choice of activities for the evening.

So stay 7 for awhile now,  and enjoy your legos
for a good long time.  

Please?

Love,

Mom

Dream Date

At this beautiful place, on a perfect day...with this wonderful man,
celebrating 10 years.


Though there has been more pain
in our 10 years than I ever imagined,
the joys of marriage to Mr. Wonderful
are all the sweeter.
I love you, sweetie!

Birthday Boy

Today:
schoolwork done with the boys,
several household projects completed....
but I would have prefered....

~reaching greedy arms for my baby boy
~crying tears of joy at his breathing
~inhaling the wonderful scent of life, newest life
~hearing his funny croaking cry
~posing for the best photo in the world...baby (minutes old) and mommy (delirious)
~watching Daddy meet his boy for the first time
~introducing my boy to his big brothers
~calling Grandma's and Grandpa's with happy news


I'm still whispering "Happy Birthday, Benjamin!"