I am learning, trying to learn, how to live in this new life. Prepared as I was for what was could have been, and thrilled as I am with what is, I am at a loss sometimes. The past years have been so draining, emotionally and physically, that it is going to take awhile to re-ajust. There are still holes, still wounds. As much as I didn't want this to become a grief blog, I also didn't want my life to be defined by my losses. And yet, I have changed. So so much has changed. Sometimes I am not sure of how to be happy, of how to fully live in the blessing God has given.
If
I
am
honest,
it's because
I am still afraid.
I am now in the thick of all I've wanted. My arms have been miraculously filled, and now, as I watch him grow so very quickly, I realize how afraid I am of failure. Being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever been blessed to do (understatement). All of my boys need so much, and I am so limited. God is endless, and prayers for help and wisdom he does not ignore.
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A little of this, a little of that, and what makes up my daily thoughts and activities....
I am a woman who desires to love GOD above all, to serve and delight my husband, to cherish and train up my four boys, while adjusting (through God's grace) to life without our children, Ellie Rene and Benjamin Curt, who were taken to heaven in February 2008 and April 2010. We are now celebrating James, our sweet 7, born in March 2011. Praise God with us!
2 comments:
I am here at this place so often. Thanks for expressing those deep feelings . . .
"God is endless, and prayers for help and wisdom he does not ignore."
Such wise words, Katie! Thank you. Peace be upon your home!
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