Comfort and Compassion

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous,

and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort,

according to your promise to your servant.

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,

for your law is my delight.

~Psalm 119:75-77

Tears come, flooding hot and bitter.

Additional blows,

an extra sting in the wound of loss.

How much more can I take?

How much more does He have in store for me?

I am tired, weary, and yes,

angry.

Beauty will come,

{I know}

but for now,

it's just ashes.

More about Benjamin

Benjamin weighed 5 ounces, and was 10 inches long, born at 9:22 pm on April 7th.

~

He is buried next to his big sister, Ellie Rene', and they will share a headstone.

(After all the hospital and dr. bills are paid.)

~

He is surrounded by the love of his family: a blanket knit by me and a burial casket built by Daddy.

~

He is named for my dad. Ellie's middle name is my mothers. I hate it that both of my parents namesakes are in heaven.

~

We miss him. Our grief over Ellie as a daughter was a loss of something unknown.....a daughter. But Benjamin....we know the joys that boys bring. The dirt, the mud, the wrestling! We miss seeing Ben's version of boyhood in our home!

Benjamin Curt

Grandpa and his boys......at the cemetary.Ian cries at being told to sit down,

and we have to laugh through our own tears.

Grandpa Curt,

my daddy,

Benjamin's namesake.

Benjamin's little feet, perfect to the toes, and smudgy.....

something to hold in my hands.

It's a Boy

Our test results came in yesterday.....our little one is a boy....as I suspected all along.

Nothing was wrong with him, as far as the DNA tests can show.

This is good, and bad.

Good, because I didn't want to hear that my son had a defect that would have limited his life on Earth. Then some would say, "Well, its for the best that this happened......"

Bad, because I do so badly want answers. Answers that will tell us where to go from here.

We will be naming our little guy this weekend, and burying him on Monday.
Pray for our peace.

Sweet

When tragedy hits,

you know who your friends are.

They drop everything to bring you

dinner and dessert!

Man's Work

My husband is a worker.

This past week, in pain,

he jumped into a project

that he and our neighbor had wanted to do for years.
I watch from my lawn chair and take pictures:

a lump in my throat for the blessings....

miracles...

before me,

and those I will experience

later.

Just Dandy

Going on in life

is terribly hard after loss like this~~~

I am so grateful for those in my life who don't expect

anything

from me right now.

My boys, on the other hand,

are just as demanding as ever.

And it's a good thing.

Plus they bring me the best flowers!

His strength in Weakness!

It's has not been a fun 24 hours since I last posted, but once again, your prayers (and mine) have been answered, though not in the way I had hoped. I had hoped everything was fine and I just needed to rest more, but after research (ultrasound) and deliberation, it was decided (thank you for praying for wisdom!!!) that I needed surgery right away to stop the excessive bleeding. So we said good-bye to our boys at G'mas house, and headed to the big city hospital's ER. I was dangerously low in blood counts, and was terrified as I went into surgery. But God did answer, and gave the Dr.'s wisdom and skill, and though I woke up in tears, I was just thankful that I get to see my boys and husband again.



I am home recovering now, barely escaping a blood transfusion. I have about half of the blood I started with a week ago...and am very very weak. Please pray for my body and heart to regain it's strength!

One Week

Time never stops,

and this week has felt like a year.

Your prayers have been answered...(THANK YOU!)

our family has found moments of joy,

and good memories have been made.

Blessings from friends and family

have made our hearts overflow

with gratitude and thanksgiving.
~

Can I please ask for more prayer?

(this feels greedy!)

Physically, my recovery is not going well.

I am getting even more worn down and sleep deprived.

Please pray for wisdom and grace in this time.

Promise

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness

you have done marvelous things,

things planned long ago.

You have been a refuge for the poor,

a refuge for the needy in his distress,

a shelter from the storm

and a shade from the heat.

~

On this mountain the LORD Almighty

will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples,

a banquet of aged wine---

the best of meats and the finest of wines.

On this mountain he will destroy the shroud

that enfolds all peoples,

the sheet that covers all nations;

he will swallow up death forever.

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces;

he will remove the disgrace of his people

from all the earth.

The LORD has spoken.
In that day they will say,

"Surely this is our God;

we trusted in him and he saved us.

This is the LORD, we trusted in him;

let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Isaiah 25:1, 4, 6-9

God gave me this passage yesterday,

and I am grateful.

Suffering opens my eyes to the treasure of His promises.

If I hadn't known these tears, this death,

this passage wouldn't speak of untold miracles

yet to come.

A Happy Ending

My husband sang as we waited:

When we all get to heaven

what a day of rejoicing that will be

When we all see Jesus

We'll sing and SHOUT the victory.

~~~
There is a happy ending to this story,

it's just that we're not there yet.

~~~

I can't bring myself to share

the details of the birth of Babycakes,

maybe someday.

~~~

The hardest part right now is we are waiting on genetic testing

to determine for sure the gender of the baby.

So I am still saying "Baby"

instead of a dear, precious CHOSEN name.

~~~

I am grateful, ever so much, for everyone's prayers and

thoughtful comments. I will print them all out and treasure them.

Thank you!

While We Wait

The hardest news: no heartbeat. 18 weeks.

How can this be happening?

Go through the motions of an ultrasound to confirm,

BabyCakes is in heaven with Jesus.

With Ellie, at this stage I was numb from shock.

Now I am weary and sad,

and all these feelings are familiar. Hand-picked flowers sent from my dr.'s office.

This cotton blanket was going to be full size, with a trim (of either blue or pink!)
to be added after our 20 week ultrasound. I am so thankful that I had finally starting something for Babycakes....
to be buried in.
I'm finishing it now,
while we wait,
through my tears.

Fragile

An unscheduled visit to the OB,

worried about lack of movement...

18+ weeks along...

please pray.

'Bleeding Heart' in the Spring

Two milestones were passed this weekend:

13 weeks along with Babycakes,

(that was when we lost our very first baby)

and two years since we said hello,

and goodbye

to Ellie Rene'.

These shoots are one of my favorite spring flowers;

'Bleeding Heart'.

Old-fashioned, romantic and just a bit dramatic.

Their lime green leaves, curled and feathery,

insist that spring is on it's way.

I am blessed by the new mercies of the Lord,

and His faithfulness through all my seasons!

Today is the day...

to skip school in favor of making sugar cookies!To smell the roses that Mr. Wonderful

couldn't resist buying last night....
And this is the *little* (monumental) reason why:
A heartbeat, a strong, steady heartbeat.
Kicks and spins, while we gasped in amazement.
Perfect size. Perfect little 10 week baby.


My mind tells me it's still too soon,
but my heart is racing ahead,
imagining this one in my arms.

In His Hands

He's got the itty bitty babies....

in his Hands....

He's got the whole world in His Hands.

.

.

Fear wants to win today.

I felt so strong at the beginning...