Through the Valley

Somedays I just wake up feeling like crying, and by noon, know it would have been better off for me to have my weep before breakfast, instead of dragging it on through the day. Today my heart is just heavy. It has been two years to the day since we buried our little girl, and I still go by the cemetery and think, "It can't be!"

As always, I sit and stare at the screen, wondering how much, and what, and if, do I say anything at all?

These two years have been like twenty (I feel soooo old!) and yet, I can praise God for answering my prayers, for keeping my family whole while I was blinded by grief. I know that my boys bear the marks of this, too, but in a good way. Their faith and hope in God is so strong. Braden's first response when we told him of the new baby, was "If this baby dies, it will be OK, because Ellie had the best life ever. Just straight to God....none of this yucky stuff." If my eight year old can see that life on earth is not all there is, then this is only God! I have failed them often, often, often as a mother. From the start, I begged God to let me still be a good mom, since I can't afford to give up years of our children's lives! But these have been ugly years, when my selfishness and sinfulness have shown, a painful and humiliating process. My dear husband has borne the brunt of my ugliness, and yet continues to love and serve me in the strength of Christ. I am thankful for him and the way he has been a direct flow of God's love in tangible ways, while suffering himself.

I miss my little Ellie, I wish she was going to get to be a big sister this fall. But I am convinced, through this suffering more than ever, that heaven is just a breath away, and God's promises of rewards and restitution are more real to me than ever. There will be a time when ALL our tears are gone. Hard to fathom right now. But it's going to be good.