Remember

I will always remember this day with a thrill, and tears.....

On February 28th, in the morning, I heard for the first time

"It's a girl"....

it was spoken with longing.

On February 28th I held my daughter for the first time,

and the last time.

On February 28th I named my daughter,

and then said, "Good-bye, Ellie Rene".

Breathe

12 times a minute....

6,286,920 times this year.

.

.

A year ago today, at a routine

6-month pregnancy checkup,

they couldn't find a heartbeat.

My mind kept finding reasons,

excuses to not even consider

that my baby not alive.

.

.

My mom, who had the kids for the morning,

kept them for the afternoon

and my husband took me

to the hospital for an ultrasound.

I praise God that I was not alone.

I was still not worried.

.

.

Lying on the cot in the ultrasound room,

holding his hand,

I waited. waited. waited.

The tech said nothing.

.

.

"Can you tell me, please?"

I choked out, past deep sobs coming with the

realization of what her answer would be.

I remember feeling that I shouldn't cry....

maybe that she would be able to see something

if my stomach wasn't heaving with emotion.

.

.

"Your baby is gone...I'm very sorry.

Usually my job is one of the

best in the world, but days like today

I really hate it. I'm so sorry."

.

She left to call my doctor, and we came undone.

Our baby was no longer ours,

but in heaven's arms....

February 2008

Valentines from my husband.

My aunt, the florist, was tickled to fill his order,

and whispered to a friend,

"They're having baby #4 soon....

isn't he sweet?"

Making this gathered bodice apron, then being

too self-concious of my figure

to post this picture.

It's the last one I have of Ellie alive.

In the middle, It's me, with a SMILE!

Last week, I had a good day.

I went outside and played in the fresh snow with the boys.
Everyone had fun!

Ian is the most mischievious toddler.....

hmmm. Nathan likes to eat snow.

And this one.

Snowball fights are his cup of ornery tea.

4 Years Ago

Can you believe how much my babies have grown?